Happiness is for Chumps

Jaxon had a meltdown today. It wasn't anything pretty. But when is a meltdown. I'm told daily that he has my attitude. You know what..so? He will be a strong, stubborn man then. Someone who is passionate about those that care about him. He will be a force to be recokoned with when someone hurts the people he love. Why? Because I am like that. He will love every inch of his family, even when they drive him crazy. He will bend over backward to make them happy, even when it seems like it will break him. Why? Because I am like that.

I do those things. I work my ass off, and I share my rewards with my family, because that is the way it is suppose to be. I would drive 200 miles to get them even if they couldn't pay me gas money, and I am down to my last 50 dollars. I'd do it, because they would do it for me. I wouldn't change the way I was raised, and I wouldn't change the relationship that I have with those closest to me. And I want my son to be just like that. Family is the lifeline that we hold on to when the whole world is going to shit. They will save you from drowning, feed you when it's needed, put a roof over your head when your luck is bad. That is what family is about. That is what I want to teach my son. That no matter what, he will always have someone to count on. Always.

Sometimes it feels like I don't get love from anyone but my son and my family. Like this place that I find myself is hollow. But I am too stubborn to give up. I want it to work..this situation that I am in. I want to be happy..and I will be..no matter what. I will not lose myself, because that is not how I was raised. I am too strong for that. I am me. I will not be the person you want to mold me into.

I will meet my goals. I will find a happy place in this world, and I will live there in the glory of it all. As delusional as that sounds. Heh.

Double Dog Dare---Review

So I have decided that I am going to go on a quest to find a reasonaly priced (under $15) bottle of wine that I LOVE. In laymans terms this means I am going to try a crap ton of wines! This could be a fun..albeit drunken quest for knowledge..yes..KNOWLEDGE! That's what we are going to call it. I also want to see if I can find out if the best is below a certain amount.

So today while at the store I picked up Double Dog Dare White Zinfendel.

The wine cost me about $2.98. I figured this was a long shot, considering the price..but meh. Why not live on the wild side? So I got it home, popped it in the fridge and let it sit for a few hours to get cold. On a side note, I am a HUGE fan of white zin. I love the sweet blush wines, they make me happy. So I just popped the cork fifteen minutes or so ago, and took my first sip. I'm slightly disappointed. It's..slightly bland. I suppose it could be because it was $2.98. When taking the first sip and swallowing, I was left with a slightly bitter aftertaste. It's still lingering a bit now. But I am wondering if its because I am still sick. Eh, who knows.

Verdict: Won't buy again. Not sweet enough

Love of my life..

I think I have figured out that my baby is afraid of the dark. Poor thing. He gets so distraught when I put him down to bed and the light gets turned off. I think I may have to get him a night light so that he doesn't get scared in the middle of the night, especially since he has been waking up and coming in to sleep with mommy and daddy. God I love that little peanut. He is my heart.

On the school front...I start back up next Tuesday. I am kind of excited, but moreso I just want to get in..and get this done. I want to have my degree and be living my life..not puttering around in school again. But, you know what, I will suck it up and work it out..because it's for the best in the future. I don't want Jaxon to have to worry about anything when he's older. He will have a college fund..and it will all be paid for..if he decides he wants to go to college. Besides..I want to be able to spoil him with a car when he turns 16..and trips to Disney World or something.

I need to update his more often..record the things that my bug says. He's so funny..and so damn smart. He knows his shapes! Heart, square, star, circle. So smart. So very, very smart. He also loves when mommy sings to him before he goes to sleep. I can not believe how big my baby is getting. Seems like just yesterday. *Sigh* I just want to hold him and make him quit growing..pause the moment and keep it like that forever. Tomorrow I need to take some new pictures of him.

I am going to try and update weekly..if not daily..I want to better record what he does every day. I don't want to forget anything about these days. Not a single thing.

Jaxon---8-15-2011

So I figure I had better start writing down all of the things that Jaxon does that I find endearing, because before I know it..he is going to be in high school or something.

Today the little bug fell asleep in bed with my husband and he had one sock on his foot and his diaper. That's all. And Justin and him were in the exact same position. On their left side, knees bent, both of their mouths hanging open, and snoring a little bit. He looked like a little mini-version..expect he looks like me. Because let's face it..the boy really does look like me.

God I love that kid entirely too much.

He also said "I wanna watch tv!" The other day it was "I want to sit there!" He's too smart for his own good!! God I love him.

I got the blues...and I don't mean Mac and Cheese.

Honestly, my head is pounding something fierce. Uh. I feel like I am being pulled twelve different directions at once, and people are all just sitting there laughing about it. I can feel the cranky monster rising up to consume everyone. And it is going to be a very, VERY ugly stint if I don't curb whatever the hell it is that is bugging me.

So once again I didn't listen to my own damn rules. I fell pray to the 'convience' of fast food. I really, really have got to stop doing that. I feel like complete and utter garbage after I am done consuming it. Wracked with so much guilt I could keep a Catholic priest busy for a year. I have to get the hell out of this funk. OMG. I can not take it, seriously. I just feel like I am going to explode on someone, and I think it may be the result of my eating habits. Damn sad if you ask me. I am letting food control me once again. Get a grip woman, jesus!

On another note, I feel like I need a huge change. A tattoo? Haircut? Cut people out of the life? Ugh, something. I feel icky and I do not know how to shed that damn feeling. I don't like feeling bogged down. For once in my life, I feel like I deserve to be happy. I am doing all of things that I need to be doing. Working. (-insert grumble here-) Going to school. Being a good mommy, atleast to the best of my ability. I probably could be doing more, but I feel so spread thin that all I want to do when I get home from whatever the hell it is, I just want to sleep.

Right now I have a huge headache from hell, and it only took 30 seconds to upset me. The bad thing about it all, is that I don't quite remember what it is that pissed me off. Which in turn means that it did not mean anything, or was not the root of my actual problem. There is something underlying in all of it, and I just have to figure out what the hell it is.

I really have got to stop listening in Psych. I am turning into one of those idiots that thinks that they can diagnose things, when in fact they just sound like idiots. Spouting off big words and what not, it may fool some, but not all.

Maybe a nap will help. God knows that I sleep enough. Jesus. I need some me time. That's it. Maybe tonight I will go to a movie instead of out like I had planned. I am in such a bad mood that I would probably make terrible company, even though I have yet to see the person I am suppose to hang out with, in forever. And I miss her face more than ever.

On top of that I am thinking about Keeda, and hoping that everything pulls through just fine. Thoughts and good juju go out to her. I think my heart will break into a million pieces if that biopsy comes back as cancer. I don't think I could handle that.

-.-;

I am a tired, tired, tired woman. I can not express to you the amount of bone wariness that I carry in me right now. And yet here I am at 130 in the morning, writing on a blog that I have once again neglected for over a month. Goes to show how good of a blogger I am. Peh.

So I started back up at school again. But this time I am working on top of it. Why? Because I am a 'tardo and I want to burn out and kill myself. The first week was hell, this second one at the end is going to suck. I work Thur-Sun. There are no days off for me. It's either homework and class, or homework and work.

This is the cycle that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends.

God I bitch alot. Oh well. No one reads this shite anyways. And MF's I will cuss if I want. I have to get up in the morning and finish my homework for Psych. Ugh, I can not wait for this semester to be over. OVER I say. Especially this damn math class. One more semester of that, and I should be done. No, I lied I still have to take Stats. UGH.

On a positive note, I think I have found the best course of action, and that is to go to UNMC. I can still go to Metro and do ALL of my Gen. Eds before I waltz into the big university and take the nursing classes that I need. It just seems like it will fit my schedule/timeline better.

I have also lost damn near 30lbs. Now mind you I have been a disgusting slob when it comes to eating habits, but since I work so much and walk so often at work I have been losing weight. 30 lbs! Big Mama say WHA? Now only like 60lbs to go. Time to make some new rules.

NO MORE: Pop, Sugar, Fast Food, Fried Food.

However; Sunday is amnesty day. You may eat and or drink whatever you want. Also, working out of some kind needs to begin again. FIND TIME IN YOUR SCHEDULE HO!

60 lbs is a long ways to go, but I am sure that I can do it. Push ups, sit ups, and maybe walking a good distance a day will help me start losing again. I don't want to be a fat ass forever. And I can't risk falling back into unhealthy bs again. Maybe I should start working on myfitnesspal again. Yeah, I think so. Starting tomorrow.

Alright all, time to go to bed. Have to do Psych in the morning. -.- It is all worth it in the end. It is all worth it in the end. It is all worth it in the end. That is my new mantra.

PS I am fat and fabulous, get over it.

Another short hiatus!

So I have been a very, very busy girl. I started at a new job...quit..found a different one..and have been there for the past two months. This place is nice, the hours are a bit wonky...but the pay is good and I like the people. So all in all I am a happy camper. Other than that, I am getting my ass back into school as of June 6th.

Nursing and I have been having a love/hate relationship. One minute I am all gung-ho for it, the next I am trying to think up something else I would rather do. But in the long run, this is the right path for me. Just not where I originally planned to be. I am not just stopping with my BA..eventually I will go on and get my MSN and either my NP or become a CRNA. I think I would be happy in either job. Though, I will not be able to make the final decision on that until I actually take chemistry again and see how I like it. Chemistry is a large part of CRNA, as well as pharm.

Jaxon has been a good little boy. His vocabulary is growing my leaps and bounds every single day. It is fucking scary, really. I love that little boy more than life itself. Every time I don't want to go to work or get back into school, I think of the future I can give him with the proper education and training that I am recieveing at both places. Yay for being a responsible mommy!

Ugh, time to take off and get a bit of rest before it is time to go to work. Yep, that's right...I work 11 pm until 730 am. Crazy schedule, I know. LOL.

Adventures of a young child...

Today, after I got up from sleeping, Jaxon and I took a stroll down to the park behind the elementary school. He held my hand and walked the entire way, his little feet pattering on the sidewalk. I kept looking at how tiny his feet are in his new shoes. Sometimes I just want to scoop him up and not let him get any bigger. When we finally got to the park, I found out they had a merry-go-round, much to my delight! That had been one of my favorite things to do at the park. I could spend hours in the center staring up at a twirling sky. And these things are pratically extinct. You very rarely see them. So imagine how giddy I was when I found out there was one a few blocks away!

So I put Jaxon on it and told him to hold on to the bar. And then I spun him. The look on his face was utterly breathtaking. A mix of surprise, fear, adventure, and straight awe. It was..amazing. He was giggling, throwing his head back and laughing. When it started to slow, I grabbed the bars and ran a bit more, jumping on to sit next to him. He grinned at me like he hadn't a care in the world as we whirled around together. He giggled, I laughed..and I realized this was what being a mother was all about. Those little moments where the world is amazing and still and you just have a wonderful memory to carry away from it. I'll always remember that time on the playground with my baby.

Royal Dreams...

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was a prince (yep, I was a man) and my father or someone that was close to me..and I were visiting another royal family near my own country. There was going to be a coronation for that ruler and we were there to witness it. For some reason my relative, while we were holding a private meeting with the soon to be crowned monarch, stab and killed the ruler without my consent or prior knowledge. Then we had to run for our lives to avoid being killed. We dressed as commoners and were trying to make our way back to our home country. Weirdest dream ever.

Speaking of sleeping..Friday night I tried to let Jaxon sleep in bed with us, because he was really upset when he woke up. So we settled down to bed pretty easily..an hour later I wake up and the boy is wrapped like a koala bear around the back of my head and he is petting my hair muttering. Then somehow he flips his little self over and starts kicking away. He had to go back to his bed after only an hour. But he settled down pretty easily. Something tells me that this boy is not made to sleep with his parents. He likes his space, which is awesome.

Other than that..nothing to report. ^.^

Made of Awesome...even if you think it's broken!!

Today I was reminded why my life is so much different than other people. I have to start out by saying what I had, does not make me any less of a great person. My circumstances made me a stronger, brighter, independent woman. My mother helped to shape that. I did not need anything else. And just because you have two parents, does not make you better than me. I never felt like I was at a disadvantage. I never felt like I was any less loved. I did not need a father, do not need a father, to feel complete. My mom did a damn good job, despite the odds.

People that think any less of that amazing woman, should be slapped. And I will be the first one to pimp slap a M.F.

Lesson here: Do not talk down to other people because they lack what you think is necessary. Because I loved every single minute of my childhood, and I have no regrets. You aren't better than me because you had two parents and your trying to rub it in, only makes you look like an idiot.

~ A.

Melancholy sucks....

Honestly, I have been feeling a bit melacholy lately. Ha, well there is a word I haven't used in awhile. I have lost weight recently, which is awesome. Ten pounds! It's a step in the right direction..but not a big enough step. I have faith though that when I start at this new job, that I will start losing weight again. Goal is 40 lbs by Oct. If I reach that goal, I am going to be Akasha for halloween. Atleast that is the general idea. I might do something entirely different.

Sometimes I wish I had not shared the existence of this blog with people, because now I feel like I can't say what it is I want to say. There are things that others don't know about me. While it is not something that is dangerous, it is something that some people that may read this will never understand. So...I'll keep it to myself.

Lately I've noticed that I am shedding those old friends and getting closer to a select few. Lala is one of the consistent few, and I am grateful to have her in my inner circle. I feel like I can talk with her about anything, which I have that with very few people. Anyways...I need to get my ass back in school...I miss class and I want to get this damn degree done...

Bah this is useless rambling...time to take my butt to bed.

INSOMNIA EL SUCKO

It took less than one week for me to get hooked on nights? I hate this crap. I get tired and if I even think about laying down, I have to lay there for hours on end. And even than I pop up out of bed in the afternoon. Ugh. This is no bueno. Nights are really, really going to funk up my schedule. I miss being a day person dang it. I really, really do.

In other news, I got a new job. Thank the lord in heaven..because that other place was a nightmare. No breaks, the machines broke down at critical moments (IE with a resident suspended in mid-air above their wheel chair), the staff was clearly out to get one another, people yelled at one another and generally did not respect each other. And last but not least there were over 30 total dependent cares residents for 2 people. That is insane to me.

Hoping that this new place is better. I have heard already that it is. I am also going to be getting my med aide here soon. I need to get back into school! Speaking of school, I made the dean's list again. Woot. Take that, all A's 3.8something GPA. I am hoping, praying that my GPA is good enough to get me into SOME sort of nursing program. Still a long ways off, but definately something that has to be considered at all times.

Other than that, this weekend I am doing 2 photo shoots. A gothic sort of themed one and than an engagment photoshoot on Sunday. I am nervous and excited all at once. I hope it goes alright, I really do.

After a week or so of working at the crazy place, I am pretty sure I may have lost a bit of weight. Not sure how I feel about it. I do want to start P90X or something like it. Hubby canceled my gym membership. That needs to be fixed soon. I miss going to the classes!! Other than that..nothing big has been going on besides the fact that my son is pretty much chatting. Why does he have to grow so dang fast? I miss him being little bitty baby Jaxon.

Alright, I am going to TRY and sleep. Good night all!

Writing Prompt 421: A Glittering Cavern

Mara closed her eyes against the heavy wave of perfume that wafted in her general direction upon entering the ballroom. The mixture of scents had her stomach lurching violently within the vice grip of her corset, causing her to place a hand flat against her belly to keep from spilling the slim contents of her stomach onto the floor. She straightened her crooked shoulders, pulling herself up to her graceful five foot nine inch height. The curtains before her parted as the sounds of trumpets sounded to announce her arrival. The roaring crowd came to a sudden standstill, eyes turned in the direction of the newcomer. They all had known her, watched her grow up at a distance. Now she was their Queen, bred from the cradle to rule once her mother passed on.

Now that the mourning rites were over, a coronation had taken place but a few scant hours before. Mara had adorned a gown of Coranian silk the color of lavender for the occasion. Threads of silver and gold were shot through the fabric at the cuffs, collar, and hem. Ellaborate little flowers and vines curled their way about the delicate seams and were a nice contrast to the heavy coronet that rested against her brow, gold and gleaming in the faint light of the ballroom. Mara sailed forward through the gauzy curtain archway that had been created when the filmy fabric had been swung open to reveal her to the room.

The ballroom had been decorated with what looked to be thousands of candles on tall pillars and sconces on the wall. The crowd had parted, allowing Mara to drifted forward, and as she passed the people lowered themselves to show their respect and alliegence to their new Queen. The path that had been created led the way to the once crowded dancefloor, where a familiar face stood waiting. Restari, her head of the guard, stood at it's center, resplendant in his uniform of dark blue and black. Some of his medals caught the light of the sea of candles, causing them to glitter before her eyes. Her approach slowed once she stood before him, and she accepted a bow and then his hand.

When flesh touched flesh the strings of a waltz filled the air and Mara was pulled into the familiar arms of her long time friend and guard. The beaming smile that was so familiar to her, beamed down upon her. A bubbling of laughter started in the pit of her belly and worked it's way up like a volcano that was errupting. Her head spilled backward and she laughed for the first time in months. Her eyes found the ceiling, where lanterns had been attached, strung across the glass dome of the large, round building. The room truly was a glittering cavern.

I feel like a gerbil...

You know..one of those animals that gets on the wheel and just keeps going and going and going in circles. Ugh, I hate it. I really need to stand back and take a look at things. Because well..my eating habits suck. I think I may be out of the starving phase of my life, and into the binge eating, stuff your face til you explode, don't give a shit phase. Usually there is something that causes this. Now I just have to figure out what essentially is making me unhappy, and fix it. Because that is exactly what it is, unhappiness. When I feel like I am not in control of my life, I try and control what goes in my mouth.

Lately it's like food has become an addiction. Sometimes I don't want anything to do with it, and I get the thought in my head that I can hurt the people around me by starving myself. A thought process that I had to break when I was younger. That's not true ya idiot. All I do is hurt myself in the long run. I am also starting to get the obsessive thinking about working out. This morning I didn't get to work out because husband had shit to do. I sat at home and all I could think of was...when can I do? What if I don't go?! I will feel like a failure. God, it's starting all over again. I hate this fucking cycle!

Then there are the days where my mind gets it in it's processes that it is okay to be the size I am (which for some, it is but not someone that is warring like I am), and that I can eat whatever the hell I want. Which in turn pisses off the anorexic in me, which then starts the cycle over again.

You know what it is? I am stuck at home all day, I go to school all night..occasionally I go out. I need to get a job. I have been applying, and I hope I get the few that I have applied for. I think it will maybe calm down the two women that are apparently shoved inside of me. Ana and the Diva. I call the other one that Diva because when I get into that frame of mind, I feel fat, fierce, and fab. Which does not work well with Ana. Ana hates fat, fierce, fab.

On a side note...I have also been thinking..who am I?! Why am I so damn lost in my identity. Ugh. I don't know, I really don't.

Picasa Web Albums for the win!!

I think I may have just fallen in love with Google even more! It connects my web albums to my blog! ZOMG! No having to upload multiple pictures at once. Such a headche that is!  Alright google, you are slowing becoming a favorite of mine again.

On a side note: I am sick and tired of the internal debate that comes with eating. SICK of it. Why do I have to grapple with myself for twenty minutes over one kit kat bar stick?! That seems excessive. Stay back you stupid demon! I won't fall pray to your clutches. So there!!

Brick Walls...

Alright, alright so the trip to Ashland did not go over as well as I would have liked. The store that we ended up going to was...pathetic to say the least. There were dresses there, but most of them were size four monstrosities that should not have seen daylight. To say the least, we are still searching for wardrobe ideas for the photoshoot. A minor snag, I am sure.

Lala was the only one to go with me. Unfortunately the other gals weren't feeling up to it. It was a 20 minute drive to the place. We ended up looking at another little shot, consignment something or other. I bought a cute skirt, that actually fit me pretty well. Cute, and only 9 bucks. Will have to post a picture of it when I don't feel like such a whale.

Hubby and I ended up going out to dinner saturday. It was nice to get to spend some adult time together. I ended up falling asleep before 11 pm though. I think I am getting too old to be doing crazy crap like chugging Mai Tais. BAD idea, I do not recommend!

Today was spent looking over crafting things, eating lunch out with my husband, and all around laziness. I will admit though that I have ate far too much this weekend, and I plan to kick my ass in the gym all next week. Jesus, I am ashamed of how many calories I must have consumed. It boggles my mind. Sometimes I wonder how the hell it was that I was ever anorexic with as much as I eat now. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Sometimes I wish I had the self restraint I had when I was restricting. Maybe I would eat less of what is bad for me, and focus on shit that is good. Eh. Whatever.

On a high note, I got a flash for my camera! And filters! Lala friggin' rocks!

Step One in the Vampire Teaparty Shoot

Today Lala, Snow, and I are going out to find dresses for the Vampire tea party shoot. After we finally finalize wardrobe, we will be able to come up with makeup and hair, and work out ideas. What I see in my head so far props wise is:

dead roses in a vase, maybe even live red roses in a vase. Who knows.
fine china (I think Snow will let us use her's. If not, mix matched would be cute too)
fake blood
candleholders
table cloth that is okay to bloody up
vampires (hehe)

For the vampires I am picturing..elegant gothyness. Large updos, dark eye makeup, pale faces, large rhinestone jewelry if possible. Or pearls. Gloves maybe...gowns. I would love to have a victim poking out from under the table, with one high heeled foot propped up on top of it. Body would be bloody..and there would be blood in the cups. Blood red lipstick would be nice too. I'm getting excited about this now!

Alright, so let's hope we find some good dresses. How can you beat 4 dollars for dress?!

Prompt 242: A Four Leaf Clover

Cold, vacant eyes stared down at the shrivelled piece of greenery in her palm. It was hard to believe that so much hatred could be directed at something so...insignificant. No..no. It was far from insignificant! There were people that would kill to find such a rare item. And yet Analia had been lucky..no..never that. Never lucky! Analia had been unfortunate enough to find the weed that had marred her life for the past several years.

Rail thin legs shifted against the rough cardboard that served as protection against the cold concrete beneath her. There had been a time she had been surrounded by lush italian marble and polished mahogany doors. Now..now there was nothing but the bitter cold wind against the shelter of blankets and trashcans she found refuge in. Once she had worn the most expensive designers money could buy. Now she wore threadbare, hand-me-downs that she rummaged out of dumbsters near the Goodwill.

The might fall hard, they say. The earth thunders beneath them as they land. There had been none of that for Analia DeLyon. Her landing had been unheard, unnoted by the world at large. No family was left behind, because they had been stripped away from her one by one. Tragedy wrapped itself around her like a shroud, grasping so tight she wondered why she did not choke at it's grip. And it all had begun the day she had found the four leaf clover in her father's garden, nestled beneath a large oak tree. The very same day that her parents were killed in a car accident.

How many times had Analia tried to lose the four cloved stigma? She had lost count. And yet, each time she did another tragedy would befall her life. The clover would show up in the shower or under her covers as she pulled them back. And the next day the company her father had put his life into went bancrupt. Or her fiance confesses that he loves another woman, and that she has to move out.

Shaking fingers, encased in grimy fingerless gloves, plucked one of the dainty leaves away with a vicious tug. It fluttered to the ground, lifeless and limp.

All I needed was some GPS....

Alright...alright...time to lock it down and get back on track. I can tell that my body is changing...even if the damn number on the scale does not seem to be budging. What is up with that?! Maybe it's my period? I DON'T KNOW. Ugh. That is exactly why I do not step on the scale. That right there!! But my size 20s...yes folks I wear a 20...are really loose. I can pull the dang things off my butt without unbuttoning/unzipping.

On a side note though, I am mucho excited about my photography. It's getting better...and I have SO many ideas. On top of that I have people asking me if I will take photos for them! A friend of mine wants me to shoot pictures at her reception..and a woman I found on craigslist needs me to shoot her wedding as well. Her's I am doing for free. She is disabled and so is her fiance, and it kinda tugged at my strings...But I think I am getting to the point where I need to start charging. Soon. Very soon. The next step will be to actually get my website launched. And to come up with an actual list of prices.

I've been dreaming of planning events. It keeps creeping up on me. There is so much I want to do. So many ideas I want to impliment. But my wedding is over, this presents a problem. I am going to have to create an outlet for this soon, before it drives me nuts. Because saving all of these centerpieces, flowers, gowns, and what not on my computer is NOT healthy. STOP IT!!

On that note, time to get agoing. Hope ya'll are doing well.

~ A.

Excited about the future...

So lately I have been talking with a fellow photographer friend of mine. I shot a wedding with her on NYE. It was amazing. I learned a ton, and realized there is a ton more for me to learn.

Anyways, we are throwing a boudoir party at the end of this month. It should be nothing short of amazing. We are getting a makeup artist to come in and do the make up for the women. There will be appetizers and mimosas and all around greatness. I'm excited at the thought of possible perspectives for what may come of this. There could be more parties in the future, maybe studio space and a new business partner?

This photographer is amazing. She has a genuine spirit and is just all around awesome. I can see learning alot from her, and I'm excited to step out into this new journey.

I have ideas for a studio buzzing in the back of my head. Pretty little sets, gorgeous reception area. But that's in the future. One day at a time ya know.

On another note, I've lost another inch on my waist. Don't ask me how it is I did it, because I have not been going to the gym because I have been busy, so I don't know what is causing it. In the long run, I don't care. I am out of size 20 and into an 18. And I don't even know how long I will last in the 18s.

Excited for me? I know I am!

Time to get back into the game....

Alright...so as you can see, I disappeared for a long while. Guess what...? I am back now. Not skinny, but still working on it. I am healthy though. No binging, no purging...no ugliness in the least. There have been moments of weakness, but all I have to do is look at that little chubby faced cherub that I birthed, and life gets better.

I am in my second semester at Metro. Looks like I may be switching over to Clarkson though, if I can help it. I am applying for a scholarship there. Hopefully I get it. Hopefully I will be able to change some things and get on the right path. There are other options though, incase this falls through.

Let's see...what else? Photography...its bumping along. There is alot I want to do with it, but it's a slow moving process considering the price of the equipment. But my faith was restored in my vision and eye. Yay. Thank you J for that. She's an amazing photog, that helped me see again.

Nothing overly earthshattering. I just missed posting and taking down all of my thoughts. It's time to get back into it. I'm taking the reigns again. Getting back in the drivers seat. You scared yet? I'm not.