As I step through the maze of brightly colored toys, design to challenge and amaze my child's mind, I look about the room and think, "This is not where I pictured life at this time."

If you were to ask me two years ago, where I would be now..I would not have said, "Married, with one child, in my own house." No, definately not. Perhaps I would have said, in nursing school..out partying til the predawn hours, and barely getting by on a waitress' tips.

But now, as I look at the cluttered chaos that makes up my living room, and watch my son weave in and out of the blocks, books, discarded art projects..I realize, this is where I am meant to be.

Two years ago, my life was a sprawling decent into the apitamy of hell. It was a secret hell that no one knew about, desending beyond the 8th circle of Tarturus to something more personal and dark. Self loathing and lack of goals does that to a person. I was struggling with my relapse, fighting to find the surface in the black waters that I was drowning in.

There was drinking and occasional dabbles in less savory things. Things that even now I do not want to admit to myself. I worked my fingers to the bone at work, and then slipped out into the darkness of a dance floor, with a stiff drink in my hand to escape. Sleep was the enemy, atleast at night. Slipping in at pre-dawn light was a regular occurance, and I learned to function on little to no sleep. I could feel myself slipping back into the dangerous world that had ensnared me in high school. It was a seductive swaying world before, glittering with the promise of control and freedom. That had been a lie. Nothing waited beyond that door but heartache, chains, and death. A part of my brain must have known that back those two years ago, because I did not give myself fully to the depravity of my temporary life.

There was always an aching lonliness for something more than the empty shell of a life I lived. And so now, even as I stare at a ransacked living room, strewn with the remnants of a life that was merely a dream but two years ago, I would change nothing about my current state. Nothing.

...

This blog almost feels to impersonal, like the real me isn't here. I know that there are only two posts, but this almost seems..too precise to be me. I haven't ranted yet, vented my feels here yet. I know in time that will change, because let's face it, I am an emotional person. Anyone that knows me will account for that.

I am dramatic, a princess, fussy, a brat...any other number of things to other people. Sometimes those names hurt..but what can I do? Do I really act like that? Sometimes, yes. When I want my way..I want it. But anyone is like that. Why should I be any different? I'm not..I'm human, just like anybody else. If you don't love me for me, then leave. It's that simple.

Here you will hear me talk about life as I see it. You are reading things from my perspective, and if you don't like it..you can damn well fuck off.

I cuss. I am mean to people at times. I get sad, mad, disgusted, frustrated, dramatic..deal or leave. I won't change for people. I have firmly stood by that statement from the beginning.

I will change names here, because in all honesty..real names don't need to be vented about..but that will not keep me from stating the truth..so I guess this has become more than divorcing anorexia..this is my new journal..blog..space of rantyhell.

I am a complex woman..you will come to find that out when you get to know me. I love alot of different things..and my moods change like the sea..you never know if I am going to be calm or become a dangerous crashing mess..but atleast you will be entertained.

P.S. If one more person overlooks this damn wedding, and brushes it off..I am gonna have their fucking head. I AM IMPORTANT TOO!! /bridezilla

Yay Pilates aka Day 2

Today was a lot better. I wasn't as moody as I was yesterday. It may be the heat in all honesty. Yesterday was sweltering. Like that type of hot where your ass sticks to the couch, and you have to be pryed off with a spatula. That kind of hot. The disgusting, sticky, don't want to move or even look at another person kind of hot. I think you get my drift.

Today was stunning actually. Slightly cloudy, hide some of the sun. That must have made it a bit cooler, so there was also a nice breeze. My mai ma and I took a walk with the baby to go get some stuff from the gas station. Then I went to the gym and did an hour of pilates.

Can I just take a moment to do a public service announcement here..okay, here goes: OMFJESUS I love pilates. Yeah you feel the burn during the work out. Yeah it sucks. But the chick that does it (spunky older red-head lady) relaxes you before and after. The "corpse" pose, most definately my favorite.

Food, oh my most dreaded and hated topic. Today I ate: A whole box of mac and cheese. (Yes a whole box, I was hungry) 12 doritos (yes I counted), and we are having tacos for dinner. So like 2 tacos...maybe...I'm not that fucking hungry..yet again. Go figure lol.

So mood= decent. Food..I worked on it. Gym..I made it. Yay. Wave a flllllllag.

P.S. My starting weight..oh god this is painful: 243..disgusting much? Ugh..one steap at a time.

Day 1

I am starting this blog so that I have an account of what it is like to lose the weight, in a healthy manner. Today started Day 1 of vigorous excercise. I am going to take on, and do as much physically as I can. I am also going to try and eat more.

Today I did weight lifting, targeting legs, arms, back, and stomach. I also did some time on the eliptical. I didn't eat as much as I probably should have:

Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Lean Cuisine: Broc and Potatoes with Cheese 210
Dinner: 10 oz steak and baked potato
Junk: 1 kit kat bar, 1 fun dip (this will not be a regular thing, otherwise..hell what is the point)

My friend and Mentor will be texting me daily, to make sure I take my lazy ass to the gym. I have to hold myself accountable. And I have to do it in a healthy manner.

Not only did I work out, I also walked around like 4 stores today. (SHOPPING COUNTS, so bite me.)

My mood today started out fairly well, but I got progressively crankier as the day went on. Maybe it's because I didn't take a nap. What the hell am I, five? Are naps a neccesary part of the day for me to function? Hmm. Something to ponder on. Also, must find a punishment for not going to the gym, that is not cruel..and won't physically or mental injury me in this new journey.

Mental state today: Good. I haven't thought about binge eating or starving myself today..or lately for that matter. My usual problem is the want to overeat..and then the guilt afterward. Fucked up way of thinking right? Guess that's just the psychological aspect of all this bullshit.

That's all for today. Will try and remember to post tomorrow.