A nice little surprise...

I just got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around my body and started to dry myself. It's so normal. Such a normal act to perform. And then my hand brushed over something that was out of place. It startled me. I had to look in the mirror to see what it really was. A protruding lump. It looked like a third nipple. No I am not joking, except it was bigger. I didn't think much of it at first. Thinking maybe I'd pinched my boob between something and that it would go away the next day. It didn't. It was a little bigger the next day, and it hurt to the touch. There is something so gutwrenching about finding something like that on your body. That shit happens to other people, not me. And of course my thought process is "It's cancer". That is the one thing that your mind instantly goes to. I told a few people. But not face to face. Over the phone or Facebook. I went to work like normal, had a rough day. And when I was done, I came home, curled up in my bed, and cried. What if it was cancer? Then what? I know there are these great bounds in science and health. Miracles happen on a daily basis, but people still die from the big C. I thought instantly of my child, and him growing up without a mom. That broke my heart the most. And I curled up tighter and tried to forget. I don't remember passing out that night. I just did. Just fell asleep. Today I woke up with the intention of not calling the doctor. My excuse was that it was too cold. But my mom talked me into it. Surprisingly I was not nervous when I went in. It wasn't until I laid on the table in a gown for twenty minutes, that I got nervous. When my doctor came in to look at it, she instantly knew what it was. A cyst. I should have felt relieved, but I didn't really feel much. I kind of blinked at her as she asked if I wanted it removed today. Of course I did. I wanted that foreign thing out of me. It was quick. There has been a bit of pain, but not much. Now I have a script for antibiotics and orders to take it easy for the next two days. If it comes back they will have to make a larger incision and take more out. I pray it doesn't come back. This whole ordeal put me in a funk. I am still in it, despite being quite happy that I didn't have a rotten cherry (cancer) thrown on top of my shit sundae. I need to find myself again. I need to find my stride and take it back. I need to get that confident beautiful woman that I know lives in me back out again. I'm stumbling around lately, feeling lost. I have plans. I have a forward path, but that doesn't seem enough. I am blaming it on the break up still, but I think I knew something was missing even before the breakup. Maybe school will help. Or maybe it will only take time to heal this little bit of sadness that I have dwelling in my chest. All I know is there will be no pills to help this along. I'm over that route. I hate pills and I let others persuade me into it. I thought it was what you did when you wanted to be happy. I forgot that I hated it from before. I hated how they made me feel. I don't need fake happiness pumped into me every day. I can make my own happy, even if I have to struggle to get there. I'm finding that girl again. I know she is in there someone. It's a new day. It's a new year. It's time to take the reigns. It's time to find my happiness and hold onto it with both hands, and never EVER let anyone tear that away from me. Easier said then done? I guess we will see.

I'm back....

This poor neglected blog. NOt that anyone reads the darn thing anyways. That makes me more inclined to spew my contents across the figurative page. So, since the last post I have been seperated, dated, divorced officially, broken up, and moved out on my own. That is a lot of things to do in 2 years. Well 1 year actually. Crazy what can happen in one year isn't it? So the Airman and I are no more. He was a good man, but our ideals did not line up in the end. And if there was one thing that I stressed, it was that I would eventually marry and have another child, and that was just not in the stars for us. C'est le vie, they say. That was very nearly a month ago, and it still hurts a bit, but you learn to straighten your spine and move forward. It's 2014. Yes, 2014. Where the hell has the time gone. That means this year is my 10 year high school reunion. Hmm, not sure if I am happy about that, or meh. I am still debating if I want to go or not. I haven't accomplished as much as I would have hoped, and I really am not sure I feel the want or desire to go back. At least not this go around. We will see once the time comes closer. Right now the plan is to go back to school. I've waffled again and decided that it would be best to finish my RN. I mean come on, 2 years and I can finish my BSN, it really should be a no brainer. I have a back up plan, but I'm hoping I won't need it. I'm sleepy, and this wine is not helping any of that. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog was. I think I need to try and get back into writing on a semi regular basis. But I have the attention span of a chicken lol. Or a squrriel. Ohhh shiny. Anyways, I think it's time to finish this wine and lay down. I have been up way to late the past few nights. That is really all I have to say about that, lol. Maybe I will elaborate later on, or maybe I will keep that to myself. Though I don't think it matters, because no one reads this. Ha. Good night internet. Ama