It’s really very hard to explain to people that have not been there, how it feels. There are days when things are fine, you may even look in the mirror and think..”Oh I look nice.” And there are days when you put on an outfit you have worn 100 times and you can’t believe that you ever thought that looked ok. This is recovery. There is a daily struggle of trying to accept yourself, trying to stay on the right path.
When it goes wrong…when that mirror is reflecting back an image that your mind twists into something disgusting, and your inner voice (the one you have battled since the beginning, that you thought was gone) starts twisting and turning every good thing you try and throw out into something disgusting.
“I love my lips”
“But look how chapped and discolored they are”
“My eyes are nice though.”
“But look how they are hooded, it’s hard to put proper makeup on that.”
“Well this dress makes my waist look smaller.”
“But your hips look huge, and your stomach is bulging.”
It’s a never ending battle to stay positive. People tell you that. “Stay positive” “You are beautiful.” “You can fight it! Don’t talk about yourself like that.” It really is easier said than done, right? Especially when you are at war with yourself. Your brain and your body.
Now this is no excuse. I let myself get this way. I let it go, lost the fight of caring for myself the way I should. And now I am going to take control, I am going to pay someone to kick my ass on a daily basis so that I can get back to a space where the demons in my head are at bay. But then comes the balancing act. How much is too much? How far is too far?
Can I write down everything I eat and drink without obsessing? Can I account for my intake without counting every calorie that I am consuming and freaking out? Can do 5-6 meals a day and not gorge myself only to purge later? Because those are the patterns I am used to. And while some might thing “But you can control it.” That is the real deception of this thing: You aren’t in control, it is.
So here’s to hoping that I am finally strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle…myself, my brain, and my disease.
