There is nothing more humbling than having to go to the store at 11pm at night to get adult incontinence products because you are bleeding so much during your cycle that it's ruining underwear and bleeding through two overnight maxi pads. And I don't give a good hot damn if they have cute patterns on them and are "discrete". They don't feel discrete when you happen to look in the mirror and spot yourself, at 32, wearing an adult diaper.
I have been struggling hard lately. Emotionally I have been hit over and over again with one thing after another. Do not get me wrong, there have been some amazing ups, but there have been a hell of a lot of crazy downs lately. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to keep my head above water, but I always seem to. I have to. I have to be there for my family, and be that pillar. Because that's my job and my role in their lives. But I swear by all that is holy, sometimes I need my own life jacket. Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life that help me get through it all. I just need to not bottle it up like I usually do. I have been trying to let it out, and I have people that listen. But sometimes even that hasn't been enough.
Now I am struggling with this bleeding problem. I woke up to so much blood on Monday morning, 330 am, that it look like I had murdered someone. That is scary to see. Bright red blood everywhere. So bad that I jumped in the shower really quick to make sure I was able to get clean. Then I changed clothes, put on a new pad, and went to bed. By 6 am I was back up with a similar situation. And the bleeding was still bad. It was around 11 am that I started to feel dizzy, lightheaded, shaky, and just bad in general. I was shaking so bad at one point that my boss decided to call squad. By the time they arrived I was doing better, they told me that the hospital wouldn't do much for me, despite the blood loss. I also had spoken with my OBGYN's office and had been told to take this birth control pill and if after a week I was still bleeding like that, then I should come be seen. And that the only time I should go to the ER is if I am filling a pad an hour front to back, side to side, for four hours.
Of course I haven't been bleeding that much. Not enough to fill four pads. I am still bleeding through two pads after a few hours. It's never been like this before. I mean, I've had heavy flow days, but it's never been this bad. I was talking to my mom, and I think I am going to see a Hematologist. I think my factor levels need to be checked and I need to make sure I am not anemic now that I've been bleeding. I really wanted to go to the gym after work, but I was literally so tired that I had to sleep. I was in pain from cramps, Ibuprofen was not helping, so I laid down at 730 and passed out.
I really don't want this to run my life. I want to get it under control. I don't want to be so tired that I have to pass out before bed time. I want to go to the gym when I crave it. I need to figure this out, so that I can go back to a normal life.
I feel like the gym is going to become my catharsis. I have been able to feel quite a bit better after I go. A friend suggested to use it as a way to channel my anger, pain, and frustration. That's what I plan to do. I will put all of that energy into lifting and running/elliptical. Because that energy should not be in me. It should be released out into the world and dissipated. I will feel a thousand times better after. But, until I can go back to how I was, I will walk on my breaks weather permitting.
Also, this seemed to help. I need to start writing when I get to feeling crazy. I forget how much it seems to help.
Alright, back to bed now.
~A.
