Happiness is for Chumps

Jaxon had a meltdown today. It wasn't anything pretty. But when is a meltdown. I'm told daily that he has my attitude. You know what..so? He will be a strong, stubborn man then. Someone who is passionate about those that care about him. He will be a force to be recokoned with when someone hurts the people he love. Why? Because I am like that. He will love every inch of his family, even when they drive him crazy. He will bend over backward to make them happy, even when it seems like it will break him. Why? Because I am like that.

I do those things. I work my ass off, and I share my rewards with my family, because that is the way it is suppose to be. I would drive 200 miles to get them even if they couldn't pay me gas money, and I am down to my last 50 dollars. I'd do it, because they would do it for me. I wouldn't change the way I was raised, and I wouldn't change the relationship that I have with those closest to me. And I want my son to be just like that. Family is the lifeline that we hold on to when the whole world is going to shit. They will save you from drowning, feed you when it's needed, put a roof over your head when your luck is bad. That is what family is about. That is what I want to teach my son. That no matter what, he will always have someone to count on. Always.

Sometimes it feels like I don't get love from anyone but my son and my family. Like this place that I find myself is hollow. But I am too stubborn to give up. I want it to work..this situation that I am in. I want to be happy..and I will be..no matter what. I will not lose myself, because that is not how I was raised. I am too strong for that. I am me. I will not be the person you want to mold me into.

I will meet my goals. I will find a happy place in this world, and I will live there in the glory of it all. As delusional as that sounds. Heh.

Love of my life..

I think I have figured out that my baby is afraid of the dark. Poor thing. He gets so distraught when I put him down to bed and the light gets turned off. I think I may have to get him a night light so that he doesn't get scared in the middle of the night, especially since he has been waking up and coming in to sleep with mommy and daddy. God I love that little peanut. He is my heart.

On the school front...I start back up next Tuesday. I am kind of excited, but moreso I just want to get in..and get this done. I want to have my degree and be living my life..not puttering around in school again. But, you know what, I will suck it up and work it out..because it's for the best in the future. I don't want Jaxon to have to worry about anything when he's older. He will have a college fund..and it will all be paid for..if he decides he wants to go to college. Besides..I want to be able to spoil him with a car when he turns 16..and trips to Disney World or something.

I need to update his more often..record the things that my bug says. He's so funny..and so damn smart. He knows his shapes! Heart, square, star, circle. So smart. So very, very smart. He also loves when mommy sings to him before he goes to sleep. I can not believe how big my baby is getting. Seems like just yesterday. *Sigh* I just want to hold him and make him quit growing..pause the moment and keep it like that forever. Tomorrow I need to take some new pictures of him.

I am going to try and update weekly..if not daily..I want to better record what he does every day. I don't want to forget anything about these days. Not a single thing.

Jaxon---8-15-2011

So I figure I had better start writing down all of the things that Jaxon does that I find endearing, because before I know it..he is going to be in high school or something.

Today the little bug fell asleep in bed with my husband and he had one sock on his foot and his diaper. That's all. And Justin and him were in the exact same position. On their left side, knees bent, both of their mouths hanging open, and snoring a little bit. He looked like a little mini-version..expect he looks like me. Because let's face it..the boy really does look like me.

God I love that kid entirely too much.

He also said "I wanna watch tv!" The other day it was "I want to sit there!" He's too smart for his own good!! God I love him.

Another short hiatus!

So I have been a very, very busy girl. I started at a new job...quit..found a different one..and have been there for the past two months. This place is nice, the hours are a bit wonky...but the pay is good and I like the people. So all in all I am a happy camper. Other than that, I am getting my ass back into school as of June 6th.

Nursing and I have been having a love/hate relationship. One minute I am all gung-ho for it, the next I am trying to think up something else I would rather do. But in the long run, this is the right path for me. Just not where I originally planned to be. I am not just stopping with my BA..eventually I will go on and get my MSN and either my NP or become a CRNA. I think I would be happy in either job. Though, I will not be able to make the final decision on that until I actually take chemistry again and see how I like it. Chemistry is a large part of CRNA, as well as pharm.

Jaxon has been a good little boy. His vocabulary is growing my leaps and bounds every single day. It is fucking scary, really. I love that little boy more than life itself. Every time I don't want to go to work or get back into school, I think of the future I can give him with the proper education and training that I am recieveing at both places. Yay for being a responsible mommy!

Ugh, time to take off and get a bit of rest before it is time to go to work. Yep, that's right...I work 11 pm until 730 am. Crazy schedule, I know. LOL.

Adventures of a young child...

Today, after I got up from sleeping, Jaxon and I took a stroll down to the park behind the elementary school. He held my hand and walked the entire way, his little feet pattering on the sidewalk. I kept looking at how tiny his feet are in his new shoes. Sometimes I just want to scoop him up and not let him get any bigger. When we finally got to the park, I found out they had a merry-go-round, much to my delight! That had been one of my favorite things to do at the park. I could spend hours in the center staring up at a twirling sky. And these things are pratically extinct. You very rarely see them. So imagine how giddy I was when I found out there was one a few blocks away!

So I put Jaxon on it and told him to hold on to the bar. And then I spun him. The look on his face was utterly breathtaking. A mix of surprise, fear, adventure, and straight awe. It was..amazing. He was giggling, throwing his head back and laughing. When it started to slow, I grabbed the bars and ran a bit more, jumping on to sit next to him. He grinned at me like he hadn't a care in the world as we whirled around together. He giggled, I laughed..and I realized this was what being a mother was all about. Those little moments where the world is amazing and still and you just have a wonderful memory to carry away from it. I'll always remember that time on the playground with my baby.

Royal Dreams...

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was a prince (yep, I was a man) and my father or someone that was close to me..and I were visiting another royal family near my own country. There was going to be a coronation for that ruler and we were there to witness it. For some reason my relative, while we were holding a private meeting with the soon to be crowned monarch, stab and killed the ruler without my consent or prior knowledge. Then we had to run for our lives to avoid being killed. We dressed as commoners and were trying to make our way back to our home country. Weirdest dream ever.

Speaking of sleeping..Friday night I tried to let Jaxon sleep in bed with us, because he was really upset when he woke up. So we settled down to bed pretty easily..an hour later I wake up and the boy is wrapped like a koala bear around the back of my head and he is petting my hair muttering. Then somehow he flips his little self over and starts kicking away. He had to go back to his bed after only an hour. But he settled down pretty easily. Something tells me that this boy is not made to sleep with his parents. He likes his space, which is awesome.

Other than that..nothing to report. ^.^