The Struggles..

I am mad at myself today. I know that being on a weight loss journey is supposed to be an emotional and physical journey. I get that. Sometimes I am so strong. I am so proud of myself. I am striding through this shit with my head high and kicking ass. I am putting in the work and feeling myself. But good lord, sometimes there are these lows that kick me right in the face and I just want to cry so bad.

Today was rough. So many up and downs. I wanted pancakes, so I ordered out for the kids and I. I ate a lot of food. So I told myself that I was going to eat a light lunch. Guess what, I didn't. We went for a 45 minute walk and I pushed the baby in a stroller (30 lbs up multiple hills is a lot). I was beat, and I was starving. So I had a large lunch. There were left overs and I just kept freaking eating. My brain told me that I was full, but of course I didn't listen. I just gorged myself. And then immediately I felt guilty. So the thought of purging crossed my mind. But then I told myself that there was no way in hell I was doing that. So I didn't. Instead I tracked the calories and had a lighter dinner and I was fine.

But God I hate that I walked down that path. I kind of knew that would happen though. I will never fully leave that side of my life. The thought of purging will always be there. I have been doing good. Staying active, seeing results. I have stayed off the stupid scale, but my measurements have been really good. I just need to slow down. I need to focus on what my body is being able to do now. I am getting stronger, I am getting better. It's an uphill battle, a marathon not a sprint. All that sappy feel good shit.

I need to focus on the fact that I took an hour long walk with my kids to enjoy the weather and some Pokemon Go with them. I was able to play soccer with them for awhile today. OK, yes I had issues with the bike today and the tires because I'm too heavy for the tire, but that is just one thing. A temporary thing. I will not let it drag me into the darkness of starvation and losing control of myself.

I got this. I know I do. I can do this, I will do this.

In other news. things with my husband have gotten a hell of a lot better and it feels like there is a little less stress in the house. Which I am happy for. The ups and downs were mostly downs lately. I think that has everything to do with being constantly locked in the house with each other. God I miss being out and about, but I will suck it up and get over it.

I feel like there are a million other things in my head right now that are flickering out of my mind so I can't write about them so I will just close this out. Not like anyone reads this thing anyways, heh.

-A

Life in the slow lane

Well it's been almost a month since I have posted anything, but at least I am posting right? I supposed I could say at least it hasn't been a year. Ha.

We are still sheltering in place here. Some restrictions have been lifted for certain things but my job still has us working from home until July. Maybe a bit longer depending on how numbers are doing. Currently we have almost almost 11,000 sick and 125 deaths. All things considered we have not lost a lot of people.

Things at home have been better than they were. I am not as stressed, probably because I started a work out challenge and it seems to be helping my mood. I am losing inches, but the stupid scale keeps going up. I'm about to toss the thing in the dumpster and call it a day. Aunt Flo is visiting, so that may be the actual issue, but I am so sick of seeing the number go up and not down. It really irritates my soul.

I am exhausted today for some reason, despite having gone to bed at 11:30 last night and sleeping until 8. I got a decent sleep score, but I think I must have tossed and turned most of the night. My brain kept thinking about Lasik and how I want to have it done, blah blah blah. So for some reason in my dream it was possibly to do the procedure over video. Which, is very freaking weird.

You know, I thought I had a whole slew of things to type about, and last night I probably did, but now my brain can't form coherent thoughts. Which is bad considering I have 20 minutes before I have to log into work. I really should have spent this time getting showered and dressed, but I will have to do it later. I do need to find some work out gear so that I have something to work out in today. I need some sort of walk/run/outdoor and then of course the challenge 50 situps, 50 burpees, 100 squats. I've been doing this less than two weeks and am seeing some amazing results. I am going to keep it up. It's a huge step in the right direction, and I'm pretty proud of myself.

Anyways, time to wrap this up, I have to go grab baby girl.