I feel like a gerbil...

You know..one of those animals that gets on the wheel and just keeps going and going and going in circles. Ugh, I hate it. I really need to stand back and take a look at things. Because well..my eating habits suck. I think I may be out of the starving phase of my life, and into the binge eating, stuff your face til you explode, don't give a shit phase. Usually there is something that causes this. Now I just have to figure out what essentially is making me unhappy, and fix it. Because that is exactly what it is, unhappiness. When I feel like I am not in control of my life, I try and control what goes in my mouth.

Lately it's like food has become an addiction. Sometimes I don't want anything to do with it, and I get the thought in my head that I can hurt the people around me by starving myself. A thought process that I had to break when I was younger. That's not true ya idiot. All I do is hurt myself in the long run. I am also starting to get the obsessive thinking about working out. This morning I didn't get to work out because husband had shit to do. I sat at home and all I could think of was...when can I do? What if I don't go?! I will feel like a failure. God, it's starting all over again. I hate this fucking cycle!

Then there are the days where my mind gets it in it's processes that it is okay to be the size I am (which for some, it is but not someone that is warring like I am), and that I can eat whatever the hell I want. Which in turn pisses off the anorexic in me, which then starts the cycle over again.

You know what it is? I am stuck at home all day, I go to school all night..occasionally I go out. I need to get a job. I have been applying, and I hope I get the few that I have applied for. I think it will maybe calm down the two women that are apparently shoved inside of me. Ana and the Diva. I call the other one that Diva because when I get into that frame of mind, I feel fat, fierce, and fab. Which does not work well with Ana. Ana hates fat, fierce, fab.

On a side note...I have also been thinking..who am I?! Why am I so damn lost in my identity. Ugh. I don't know, I really don't.

Picasa Web Albums for the win!!

I think I may have just fallen in love with Google even more! It connects my web albums to my blog! ZOMG! No having to upload multiple pictures at once. Such a headche that is!  Alright google, you are slowing becoming a favorite of mine again.

On a side note: I am sick and tired of the internal debate that comes with eating. SICK of it. Why do I have to grapple with myself for twenty minutes over one kit kat bar stick?! That seems excessive. Stay back you stupid demon! I won't fall pray to your clutches. So there!!

Brick Walls...

Alright, alright so the trip to Ashland did not go over as well as I would have liked. The store that we ended up going to was...pathetic to say the least. There were dresses there, but most of them were size four monstrosities that should not have seen daylight. To say the least, we are still searching for wardrobe ideas for the photoshoot. A minor snag, I am sure.

Lala was the only one to go with me. Unfortunately the other gals weren't feeling up to it. It was a 20 minute drive to the place. We ended up looking at another little shot, consignment something or other. I bought a cute skirt, that actually fit me pretty well. Cute, and only 9 bucks. Will have to post a picture of it when I don't feel like such a whale.

Hubby and I ended up going out to dinner saturday. It was nice to get to spend some adult time together. I ended up falling asleep before 11 pm though. I think I am getting too old to be doing crazy crap like chugging Mai Tais. BAD idea, I do not recommend!

Today was spent looking over crafting things, eating lunch out with my husband, and all around laziness. I will admit though that I have ate far too much this weekend, and I plan to kick my ass in the gym all next week. Jesus, I am ashamed of how many calories I must have consumed. It boggles my mind. Sometimes I wonder how the hell it was that I was ever anorexic with as much as I eat now. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Sometimes I wish I had the self restraint I had when I was restricting. Maybe I would eat less of what is bad for me, and focus on shit that is good. Eh. Whatever.

On a high note, I got a flash for my camera! And filters! Lala friggin' rocks!

Step One in the Vampire Teaparty Shoot

Today Lala, Snow, and I are going out to find dresses for the Vampire tea party shoot. After we finally finalize wardrobe, we will be able to come up with makeup and hair, and work out ideas. What I see in my head so far props wise is:

dead roses in a vase, maybe even live red roses in a vase. Who knows.
fine china (I think Snow will let us use her's. If not, mix matched would be cute too)
fake blood
candleholders
table cloth that is okay to bloody up
vampires (hehe)

For the vampires I am picturing..elegant gothyness. Large updos, dark eye makeup, pale faces, large rhinestone jewelry if possible. Or pearls. Gloves maybe...gowns. I would love to have a victim poking out from under the table, with one high heeled foot propped up on top of it. Body would be bloody..and there would be blood in the cups. Blood red lipstick would be nice too. I'm getting excited about this now!

Alright, so let's hope we find some good dresses. How can you beat 4 dollars for dress?!