I feel terrible right now. I had been doing so well this week. Work out minded, eyes set on a goal. I resisted the temptation to eat out. I did so well. And then the weekend came and I lost all control, all mother freaking commitment. I ate. I ate so much. I binged. We will just call it that. I shoved as much into my body as I could. I feel engorged. I just guzzled a shit ton of water also, and now I feel sick to my stomach. Like I want to barf. I bet if I drank another glass I could do it, make myself puke.
But I am not going to do that. I am not going to give into the urge to purge after I binged. I will not fall into the trap of old ways. I feel off the horse. I have to get back on. I have to not feel guilty for losing it for one day. I have to reign my shit in and get it together. Because tomorrow is a new day. It did not take me 1 day to get as big as I am. It took years. It took many decisions. And I made good ones this week. I just made a few bad ones. I will not let that spin me back into the misery that is what I have been in for years.
I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Or worst yet, not even being able to look myself in the mirror. Confidence is hard to come by for me. I fake it most days. I plaster makeup onto my face and flash that million kilowatt smile, and hope they believe it. Because I know I don't. I know that deep down there is that ugly voice that has always been there stripping me down to that ugly shaking fat girl I've always been.
I am trying to ignore that voice. I really am. Lately I've had the thoughts to binge, purge, or not eat. But it seems that not eating hurts more these days. You'd think I like that. You think I'd crave that bone gnawing hunger that grasps the pit of my stomach and twists viciously. I used to crave that, I used to need that. Now, now I can't stand it. Now when I feel it, I want to eat everything in sight. I think that is a whole new eating disorder. I think food is it's own addiction now. I turn to it when I need comfort, because I don't know how to seek that from other people. I don't know how to reach out and ask for the help I need.
I sometimes wonder why I am so broken. I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself. Why can't I just be a normal girl, with normal reactions to food and life? But I guess that is also a fallacy. No girl or no person ever has a normal relationship with food. Everyone has their own hangups. I just can't seem to find a way to cope with mine.
So what am I going to do? I am going to put my big girl panties on, and I am going to work out, and try to make better decisions. I am going to lose this 140 lbs total. I am going to feel good in my skin again. I am going to own who I am, and love it.
