One stumble does not mean you are out of the race...

I feel terrible right now. I had been doing so well this week. Work out minded, eyes set on a goal. I resisted the temptation to eat out. I did so well. And then the weekend came and I lost all control, all mother freaking commitment. I ate. I ate so much. I binged. We will just call it that. I shoved as much into my body as I could. I feel engorged. I just guzzled a shit ton of water also, and now I feel sick to my stomach. Like I want to barf. I bet if I drank another glass I could do it, make myself puke.

But I am not going to do that. I am not going to give into the urge to purge after I binged. I will not fall into the trap of old ways. I feel off the horse. I have to get back on. I have to not feel guilty for losing it for one day. I have to reign my shit in and get it together. Because tomorrow is a new day. It did not take me 1 day to get as big as I am. It took years. It took many decisions. And I made good ones this week. I just made a few bad ones. I will not let that spin me back into the misery that is what I have been in for years.

I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Or worst yet, not even being able to look myself in the mirror. Confidence is hard to come by for me. I fake it most days. I plaster makeup onto my face and flash that million kilowatt smile, and hope they believe it. Because I know I don't. I know that deep down there is that ugly voice that has always been there stripping me down to that ugly shaking fat girl I've always been.

I am trying to ignore that voice. I really am. Lately I've had the thoughts to binge, purge, or not eat. But it seems that not eating hurts more these days. You'd think I like that. You think I'd crave that bone gnawing hunger that grasps the pit of my stomach and twists viciously. I used to crave that, I used to need that. Now, now I can't stand it. Now when I feel it, I want to eat everything in sight. I think that is a whole new eating disorder. I think food is it's own addiction now. I turn to it when I need comfort, because I don't know how to seek that from other people. I don't know how to reach out and ask for the help I need.

I sometimes wonder why I am so broken. I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself. Why can't I just be a normal girl, with normal reactions to food and life? But I guess that is also a fallacy. No girl or no person ever has a normal relationship with food. Everyone has their own hangups. I just can't seem to find a way to cope with mine.

So what am I going to do? I am going to put my big girl panties on, and I am going to work out, and try to make better decisions. I am going to lose this 140 lbs total. I am going to feel good in my skin again. I am going to own who I am, and love it.

On a roll..

Here I am, 3 days into the new year and I have managed to get to the gym 2 out of those 3 days. Perhaps, just maybe this might be a sign of something good. I am going to do this, I am going to smash it right the fuck out of the park!

I am going to be down 100 lbs. I am going to feel better about myself. I am going to put me first. I am going to be fierce, a lioness. I am going to spend more time with those I love. I am going to attend school. I am going to achieve my goals!!

These are promises I am making myself. Promises that I can not break, because then I am letting myself down. We can't have that shit, now can we?

I almost didn't go to the gym tonight. I had to go home to change and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and be warm. But then the guilt kicked in, and I had to get my ass up and dressed. I did some light cardio and lifted upper body. I feel like I might need someone to go with me. To motivate me to push myself harder. I know that I will plateau if I don't. And I have too long of a road ahead of me for all of that.

So the search will begin for someone that can prod and push me toward my goals. Someone who is as big a beast in the gym as I know I can be. I think joining the new gym will help. I can swim, do classes, etc. I miss doing laps, however I need swim suit bottoms haha. Oi.

Okay, I think I am going to wrap this up. I've actually had a pretty decent day and am glad that I could share it with whoever is reading this.

Goals for 2017

Well now, ladies and gentleman, welcome to 2017. I am glad to leave 2016 behind in my dust. It was an alright year, but it seemed like so much negative happened. Everyone always says that the new year is going to be so much better. This year I am making it so! I will breathe it into life, and make sure that I achieve everything that I set out to do. And if I have a set back, I will keep at it. Because that's what I need to do.

So, I am sure there are people asking what my resolutions are going to be. I don't have any. I do have goals. Things that I want to achieve. Things that I WILL achieve.

1. Weight loss of 100lbs
2. Become more active. (Dance, sing, act, be creative)
3. Spend more time with family.
4. Take more trips/vacation
5. Write more often.
6. Be positive
7. Eat better.
8. Be the healthiest I can be.
9. Give back.
10. Be happy.

There are some things that I am reducing in my life.

1.  Negative people.
2. Clutter.
3. Things I don't need.
4. Drink less alcohol
5. Less eating out.

Also dating will take a complete and utter back seat this year. I do not plan to pursue anyone. Now that is not to say that if someone that is worthy decides to show up, that I won't allow it. But I am not searching for it. I don't have the capacity at the time. I have to find the person I know that is inside of me. The one I let wither away. That's enough of that! 

It's time for a positive time in my life. A year of emotional, mental, and physical growth. And I have a strong support at my back to do it!