Prompt 242: A Four Leaf Clover

Cold, vacant eyes stared down at the shrivelled piece of greenery in her palm. It was hard to believe that so much hatred could be directed at something so...insignificant. No..no. It was far from insignificant! There were people that would kill to find such a rare item. And yet Analia had been lucky..no..never that. Never lucky! Analia had been unfortunate enough to find the weed that had marred her life for the past several years.

Rail thin legs shifted against the rough cardboard that served as protection against the cold concrete beneath her. There had been a time she had been surrounded by lush italian marble and polished mahogany doors. Now..now there was nothing but the bitter cold wind against the shelter of blankets and trashcans she found refuge in. Once she had worn the most expensive designers money could buy. Now she wore threadbare, hand-me-downs that she rummaged out of dumbsters near the Goodwill.

The might fall hard, they say. The earth thunders beneath them as they land. There had been none of that for Analia DeLyon. Her landing had been unheard, unnoted by the world at large. No family was left behind, because they had been stripped away from her one by one. Tragedy wrapped itself around her like a shroud, grasping so tight she wondered why she did not choke at it's grip. And it all had begun the day she had found the four leaf clover in her father's garden, nestled beneath a large oak tree. The very same day that her parents were killed in a car accident.

How many times had Analia tried to lose the four cloved stigma? She had lost count. And yet, each time she did another tragedy would befall her life. The clover would show up in the shower or under her covers as she pulled them back. And the next day the company her father had put his life into went bancrupt. Or her fiance confesses that he loves another woman, and that she has to move out.

Shaking fingers, encased in grimy fingerless gloves, plucked one of the dainty leaves away with a vicious tug. It fluttered to the ground, lifeless and limp.

All I needed was some GPS....

Alright...alright...time to lock it down and get back on track. I can tell that my body is changing...even if the damn number on the scale does not seem to be budging. What is up with that?! Maybe it's my period? I DON'T KNOW. Ugh. That is exactly why I do not step on the scale. That right there!! But my size 20s...yes folks I wear a 20...are really loose. I can pull the dang things off my butt without unbuttoning/unzipping.

On a side note though, I am mucho excited about my photography. It's getting better...and I have SO many ideas. On top of that I have people asking me if I will take photos for them! A friend of mine wants me to shoot pictures at her reception..and a woman I found on craigslist needs me to shoot her wedding as well. Her's I am doing for free. She is disabled and so is her fiance, and it kinda tugged at my strings...But I think I am getting to the point where I need to start charging. Soon. Very soon. The next step will be to actually get my website launched. And to come up with an actual list of prices.

I've been dreaming of planning events. It keeps creeping up on me. There is so much I want to do. So many ideas I want to impliment. But my wedding is over, this presents a problem. I am going to have to create an outlet for this soon, before it drives me nuts. Because saving all of these centerpieces, flowers, gowns, and what not on my computer is NOT healthy. STOP IT!!

On that note, time to get agoing. Hope ya'll are doing well.

~ A.

Excited about the future...

So lately I have been talking with a fellow photographer friend of mine. I shot a wedding with her on NYE. It was amazing. I learned a ton, and realized there is a ton more for me to learn.

Anyways, we are throwing a boudoir party at the end of this month. It should be nothing short of amazing. We are getting a makeup artist to come in and do the make up for the women. There will be appetizers and mimosas and all around greatness. I'm excited at the thought of possible perspectives for what may come of this. There could be more parties in the future, maybe studio space and a new business partner?

This photographer is amazing. She has a genuine spirit and is just all around awesome. I can see learning alot from her, and I'm excited to step out into this new journey.

I have ideas for a studio buzzing in the back of my head. Pretty little sets, gorgeous reception area. But that's in the future. One day at a time ya know.

On another note, I've lost another inch on my waist. Don't ask me how it is I did it, because I have not been going to the gym because I have been busy, so I don't know what is causing it. In the long run, I don't care. I am out of size 20 and into an 18. And I don't even know how long I will last in the 18s.

Excited for me? I know I am!

Time to get back into the game....

Alright...so as you can see, I disappeared for a long while. Guess what...? I am back now. Not skinny, but still working on it. I am healthy though. No binging, no purging...no ugliness in the least. There have been moments of weakness, but all I have to do is look at that little chubby faced cherub that I birthed, and life gets better.

I am in my second semester at Metro. Looks like I may be switching over to Clarkson though, if I can help it. I am applying for a scholarship there. Hopefully I get it. Hopefully I will be able to change some things and get on the right path. There are other options though, incase this falls through.

Let's see...what else? Photography...its bumping along. There is alot I want to do with it, but it's a slow moving process considering the price of the equipment. But my faith was restored in my vision and eye. Yay. Thank you J for that. She's an amazing photog, that helped me see again.

Nothing overly earthshattering. I just missed posting and taking down all of my thoughts. It's time to get back into it. I'm taking the reigns again. Getting back in the drivers seat. You scared yet? I'm not.

As I step through the maze of brightly colored toys, design to challenge and amaze my child's mind, I look about the room and think, "This is not where I pictured life at this time."

If you were to ask me two years ago, where I would be now..I would not have said, "Married, with one child, in my own house." No, definately not. Perhaps I would have said, in nursing school..out partying til the predawn hours, and barely getting by on a waitress' tips.

But now, as I look at the cluttered chaos that makes up my living room, and watch my son weave in and out of the blocks, books, discarded art projects..I realize, this is where I am meant to be.

Two years ago, my life was a sprawling decent into the apitamy of hell. It was a secret hell that no one knew about, desending beyond the 8th circle of Tarturus to something more personal and dark. Self loathing and lack of goals does that to a person. I was struggling with my relapse, fighting to find the surface in the black waters that I was drowning in.

There was drinking and occasional dabbles in less savory things. Things that even now I do not want to admit to myself. I worked my fingers to the bone at work, and then slipped out into the darkness of a dance floor, with a stiff drink in my hand to escape. Sleep was the enemy, atleast at night. Slipping in at pre-dawn light was a regular occurance, and I learned to function on little to no sleep. I could feel myself slipping back into the dangerous world that had ensnared me in high school. It was a seductive swaying world before, glittering with the promise of control and freedom. That had been a lie. Nothing waited beyond that door but heartache, chains, and death. A part of my brain must have known that back those two years ago, because I did not give myself fully to the depravity of my temporary life.

There was always an aching lonliness for something more than the empty shell of a life I lived. And so now, even as I stare at a ransacked living room, strewn with the remnants of a life that was merely a dream but two years ago, I would change nothing about my current state. Nothing.

...

This blog almost feels to impersonal, like the real me isn't here. I know that there are only two posts, but this almost seems..too precise to be me. I haven't ranted yet, vented my feels here yet. I know in time that will change, because let's face it, I am an emotional person. Anyone that knows me will account for that.

I am dramatic, a princess, fussy, a brat...any other number of things to other people. Sometimes those names hurt..but what can I do? Do I really act like that? Sometimes, yes. When I want my way..I want it. But anyone is like that. Why should I be any different? I'm not..I'm human, just like anybody else. If you don't love me for me, then leave. It's that simple.

Here you will hear me talk about life as I see it. You are reading things from my perspective, and if you don't like it..you can damn well fuck off.

I cuss. I am mean to people at times. I get sad, mad, disgusted, frustrated, dramatic..deal or leave. I won't change for people. I have firmly stood by that statement from the beginning.

I will change names here, because in all honesty..real names don't need to be vented about..but that will not keep me from stating the truth..so I guess this has become more than divorcing anorexia..this is my new journal..blog..space of rantyhell.

I am a complex woman..you will come to find that out when you get to know me. I love alot of different things..and my moods change like the sea..you never know if I am going to be calm or become a dangerous crashing mess..but atleast you will be entertained.

P.S. If one more person overlooks this damn wedding, and brushes it off..I am gonna have their fucking head. I AM IMPORTANT TOO!! /bridezilla

Yay Pilates aka Day 2

Today was a lot better. I wasn't as moody as I was yesterday. It may be the heat in all honesty. Yesterday was sweltering. Like that type of hot where your ass sticks to the couch, and you have to be pryed off with a spatula. That kind of hot. The disgusting, sticky, don't want to move or even look at another person kind of hot. I think you get my drift.

Today was stunning actually. Slightly cloudy, hide some of the sun. That must have made it a bit cooler, so there was also a nice breeze. My mai ma and I took a walk with the baby to go get some stuff from the gas station. Then I went to the gym and did an hour of pilates.

Can I just take a moment to do a public service announcement here..okay, here goes: OMFJESUS I love pilates. Yeah you feel the burn during the work out. Yeah it sucks. But the chick that does it (spunky older red-head lady) relaxes you before and after. The "corpse" pose, most definately my favorite.

Food, oh my most dreaded and hated topic. Today I ate: A whole box of mac and cheese. (Yes a whole box, I was hungry) 12 doritos (yes I counted), and we are having tacos for dinner. So like 2 tacos...maybe...I'm not that fucking hungry..yet again. Go figure lol.

So mood= decent. Food..I worked on it. Gym..I made it. Yay. Wave a flllllllag.

P.S. My starting weight..oh god this is painful: 243..disgusting much? Ugh..one steap at a time.