Lie To Me

"Lie to me again," she whispered.

"I love you," he said. No emotion seeped into those words that should have brought the greatest joy to a person's heart.

"And that's the greatest lie of all, isn't it?" She sputtered and blood splattered across her paling lips, like some sort of cherry lip stain. A ghost of a smile eased across her slackened face as her pale blue eyes went flat.

He sighed and eased her from his lap, until she lay upon the floor limply. She had known he was coming for her, and part of him wondered if she knew who had hired him.

He'd had no intention of actually killing the woman, merely moving her to another location with a different name. A new life. Away from the man that wanted her dead. But it seemed he was too late, and he'd find out who it was that had done it, and make them pay. No one took his jobs from him, especially a woman.

A nice little surprise...

I just got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around my body and started to dry myself. It's so normal. Such a normal act to perform. And then my hand brushed over something that was out of place. It startled me. I had to look in the mirror to see what it really was. A protruding lump. It looked like a third nipple. No I am not joking, except it was bigger. I didn't think much of it at first. Thinking maybe I'd pinched my boob between something and that it would go away the next day. It didn't. It was a little bigger the next day, and it hurt to the touch. There is something so gutwrenching about finding something like that on your body. That shit happens to other people, not me. And of course my thought process is "It's cancer". That is the one thing that your mind instantly goes to. I told a few people. But not face to face. Over the phone or Facebook. I went to work like normal, had a rough day. And when I was done, I came home, curled up in my bed, and cried. What if it was cancer? Then what? I know there are these great bounds in science and health. Miracles happen on a daily basis, but people still die from the big C. I thought instantly of my child, and him growing up without a mom. That broke my heart the most. And I curled up tighter and tried to forget. I don't remember passing out that night. I just did. Just fell asleep. Today I woke up with the intention of not calling the doctor. My excuse was that it was too cold. But my mom talked me into it. Surprisingly I was not nervous when I went in. It wasn't until I laid on the table in a gown for twenty minutes, that I got nervous. When my doctor came in to look at it, she instantly knew what it was. A cyst. I should have felt relieved, but I didn't really feel much. I kind of blinked at her as she asked if I wanted it removed today. Of course I did. I wanted that foreign thing out of me. It was quick. There has been a bit of pain, but not much. Now I have a script for antibiotics and orders to take it easy for the next two days. If it comes back they will have to make a larger incision and take more out. I pray it doesn't come back. This whole ordeal put me in a funk. I am still in it, despite being quite happy that I didn't have a rotten cherry (cancer) thrown on top of my shit sundae. I need to find myself again. I need to find my stride and take it back. I need to get that confident beautiful woman that I know lives in me back out again. I'm stumbling around lately, feeling lost. I have plans. I have a forward path, but that doesn't seem enough. I am blaming it on the break up still, but I think I knew something was missing even before the breakup. Maybe school will help. Or maybe it will only take time to heal this little bit of sadness that I have dwelling in my chest. All I know is there will be no pills to help this along. I'm over that route. I hate pills and I let others persuade me into it. I thought it was what you did when you wanted to be happy. I forgot that I hated it from before. I hated how they made me feel. I don't need fake happiness pumped into me every day. I can make my own happy, even if I have to struggle to get there. I'm finding that girl again. I know she is in there someone. It's a new day. It's a new year. It's time to take the reigns. It's time to find my happiness and hold onto it with both hands, and never EVER let anyone tear that away from me. Easier said then done? I guess we will see.

I'm back....

This poor neglected blog. NOt that anyone reads the darn thing anyways. That makes me more inclined to spew my contents across the figurative page. So, since the last post I have been seperated, dated, divorced officially, broken up, and moved out on my own. That is a lot of things to do in 2 years. Well 1 year actually. Crazy what can happen in one year isn't it? So the Airman and I are no more. He was a good man, but our ideals did not line up in the end. And if there was one thing that I stressed, it was that I would eventually marry and have another child, and that was just not in the stars for us. C'est le vie, they say. That was very nearly a month ago, and it still hurts a bit, but you learn to straighten your spine and move forward. It's 2014. Yes, 2014. Where the hell has the time gone. That means this year is my 10 year high school reunion. Hmm, not sure if I am happy about that, or meh. I am still debating if I want to go or not. I haven't accomplished as much as I would have hoped, and I really am not sure I feel the want or desire to go back. At least not this go around. We will see once the time comes closer. Right now the plan is to go back to school. I've waffled again and decided that it would be best to finish my RN. I mean come on, 2 years and I can finish my BSN, it really should be a no brainer. I have a back up plan, but I'm hoping I won't need it. I'm sleepy, and this wine is not helping any of that. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog was. I think I need to try and get back into writing on a semi regular basis. But I have the attention span of a chicken lol. Or a squrriel. Ohhh shiny. Anyways, I think it's time to finish this wine and lay down. I have been up way to late the past few nights. That is really all I have to say about that, lol. Maybe I will elaborate later on, or maybe I will keep that to myself. Though I don't think it matters, because no one reads this. Ha. Good night internet. Ama

Happiness is for Chumps

Jaxon had a meltdown today. It wasn't anything pretty. But when is a meltdown. I'm told daily that he has my attitude. You know what..so? He will be a strong, stubborn man then. Someone who is passionate about those that care about him. He will be a force to be recokoned with when someone hurts the people he love. Why? Because I am like that. He will love every inch of his family, even when they drive him crazy. He will bend over backward to make them happy, even when it seems like it will break him. Why? Because I am like that.

I do those things. I work my ass off, and I share my rewards with my family, because that is the way it is suppose to be. I would drive 200 miles to get them even if they couldn't pay me gas money, and I am down to my last 50 dollars. I'd do it, because they would do it for me. I wouldn't change the way I was raised, and I wouldn't change the relationship that I have with those closest to me. And I want my son to be just like that. Family is the lifeline that we hold on to when the whole world is going to shit. They will save you from drowning, feed you when it's needed, put a roof over your head when your luck is bad. That is what family is about. That is what I want to teach my son. That no matter what, he will always have someone to count on. Always.

Sometimes it feels like I don't get love from anyone but my son and my family. Like this place that I find myself is hollow. But I am too stubborn to give up. I want it to work..this situation that I am in. I want to be happy..and I will be..no matter what. I will not lose myself, because that is not how I was raised. I am too strong for that. I am me. I will not be the person you want to mold me into.

I will meet my goals. I will find a happy place in this world, and I will live there in the glory of it all. As delusional as that sounds. Heh.

Double Dog Dare---Review

So I have decided that I am going to go on a quest to find a reasonaly priced (under $15) bottle of wine that I LOVE. In laymans terms this means I am going to try a crap ton of wines! This could be a fun..albeit drunken quest for knowledge..yes..KNOWLEDGE! That's what we are going to call it. I also want to see if I can find out if the best is below a certain amount.

So today while at the store I picked up Double Dog Dare White Zinfendel.

The wine cost me about $2.98. I figured this was a long shot, considering the price..but meh. Why not live on the wild side? So I got it home, popped it in the fridge and let it sit for a few hours to get cold. On a side note, I am a HUGE fan of white zin. I love the sweet blush wines, they make me happy. So I just popped the cork fifteen minutes or so ago, and took my first sip. I'm slightly disappointed. It's..slightly bland. I suppose it could be because it was $2.98. When taking the first sip and swallowing, I was left with a slightly bitter aftertaste. It's still lingering a bit now. But I am wondering if its because I am still sick. Eh, who knows.

Verdict: Won't buy again. Not sweet enough

Love of my life..

I think I have figured out that my baby is afraid of the dark. Poor thing. He gets so distraught when I put him down to bed and the light gets turned off. I think I may have to get him a night light so that he doesn't get scared in the middle of the night, especially since he has been waking up and coming in to sleep with mommy and daddy. God I love that little peanut. He is my heart.

On the school front...I start back up next Tuesday. I am kind of excited, but moreso I just want to get in..and get this done. I want to have my degree and be living my life..not puttering around in school again. But, you know what, I will suck it up and work it out..because it's for the best in the future. I don't want Jaxon to have to worry about anything when he's older. He will have a college fund..and it will all be paid for..if he decides he wants to go to college. Besides..I want to be able to spoil him with a car when he turns 16..and trips to Disney World or something.

I need to update his more often..record the things that my bug says. He's so funny..and so damn smart. He knows his shapes! Heart, square, star, circle. So smart. So very, very smart. He also loves when mommy sings to him before he goes to sleep. I can not believe how big my baby is getting. Seems like just yesterday. *Sigh* I just want to hold him and make him quit growing..pause the moment and keep it like that forever. Tomorrow I need to take some new pictures of him.

I am going to try and update weekly..if not daily..I want to better record what he does every day. I don't want to forget anything about these days. Not a single thing.