Settling into the Chaos

I’m exhausted, but I’m finding it hard to sleep. I keep reading the news and browsing Facebook. And I’m hit with the reality of what is going on in this world. I cycle between scared and feeling okay. It hasn’t hit our city as hard as it has other places, but it keeps building every day. The US is at over 300k cases, and there have been close to 9k deaths I believe. In some countries they are taking people over 65 off of ventilators, sedating them, and letting them pass away so that young people can be given the ventilators instead. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t know how those on the front lines, the doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers, are holding it together.

I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s going to take someone I love. That the world is going to fall into utter chaos and we won’t be able to regain our humanity. It’s been such a struggle these last few weeks, because of being isolated, the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty of what is going on. My son having to leave to spend time with his father. My husband going to work every night. The possible risk of exposure that he could bring into this house. There is also the mountains of information that you have to sort through and find out if it is fact or fiction. It is a scary time to be alive.

You have to wonder, how will this change the world? How long will this last? Will we survive? I I’ll someone I know die? Will someone I love die?

I just want this to go away. It feels like a terrible dream that we can’t wake up from.

There are rumors the postal service will shut down soon. Almost every state in the US except four have shelter in place orders. There are 4 hold out states and mine is one of them.

In the meantime, while we wait this out for a cure or for it to ease, I have been trying to stay active with the kids, go for walks when it’s nice, push-ups, sit-ups, walks. Anything to try and stay active and help with the anxiety and depression. I miss my friends and family. Mom wants us to come over for Easter, just the family but even that scares the heck out of me. You shouldn’t let your fears control you, I know that, but it’s always in the back of my mind these days.

Stay safe.

-A