The Struggles..

I am mad at myself today. I know that being on a weight loss journey is supposed to be an emotional and physical journey. I get that. Sometimes I am so strong. I am so proud of myself. I am striding through this shit with my head high and kicking ass. I am putting in the work and feeling myself. But good lord, sometimes there are these lows that kick me right in the face and I just want to cry so bad.

Today was rough. So many up and downs. I wanted pancakes, so I ordered out for the kids and I. I ate a lot of food. So I told myself that I was going to eat a light lunch. Guess what, I didn't. We went for a 45 minute walk and I pushed the baby in a stroller (30 lbs up multiple hills is a lot). I was beat, and I was starving. So I had a large lunch. There were left overs and I just kept freaking eating. My brain told me that I was full, but of course I didn't listen. I just gorged myself. And then immediately I felt guilty. So the thought of purging crossed my mind. But then I told myself that there was no way in hell I was doing that. So I didn't. Instead I tracked the calories and had a lighter dinner and I was fine.

But God I hate that I walked down that path. I kind of knew that would happen though. I will never fully leave that side of my life. The thought of purging will always be there. I have been doing good. Staying active, seeing results. I have stayed off the stupid scale, but my measurements have been really good. I just need to slow down. I need to focus on what my body is being able to do now. I am getting stronger, I am getting better. It's an uphill battle, a marathon not a sprint. All that sappy feel good shit.

I need to focus on the fact that I took an hour long walk with my kids to enjoy the weather and some Pokemon Go with them. I was able to play soccer with them for awhile today. OK, yes I had issues with the bike today and the tires because I'm too heavy for the tire, but that is just one thing. A temporary thing. I will not let it drag me into the darkness of starvation and losing control of myself.

I got this. I know I do. I can do this, I will do this.

In other news. things with my husband have gotten a hell of a lot better and it feels like there is a little less stress in the house. Which I am happy for. The ups and downs were mostly downs lately. I think that has everything to do with being constantly locked in the house with each other. God I miss being out and about, but I will suck it up and get over it.

I feel like there are a million other things in my head right now that are flickering out of my mind so I can't write about them so I will just close this out. Not like anyone reads this thing anyways, heh.

-A