Goals...I got em!

So a check in...I am now down 17 lbs. That's a great accomplishment for 2 months. I am proud of myself. There is a long way to go. A very long way, but I know I can do it. I do have some mini goals in mind, and I have to come up with some rewards when I reach each. When I hit 20 lbs gone, I need to do something for myself. Yes, I know that is 3 lbs away, but come on! 20 lbs gone will be a huge accomplishment. I have made better choices, I am starting to feel more confident, things are fitting better.

I have a pair of pants that I have not been able to wear in almost two years. I put them on today, while they are a bit tight, they fit. I can put them on and button them. That...deserves something. I will figure out what soon....

So goals...I have to set them small, so they are attainable.

Goal 1: 20 lbs gone. (Purse)
Goal 2: 35 lbs gone  (Facial)
Goal 3: 50 lbs gone  (New Jeans)
Goal 4:75 lbs gone   (New piece of jewlery)
Goal 5: 100 lbs gone. (Vacation!)

I am not going to put a deadline on any of these. I want this to be as healthy as possible. I want to eat and work out and do this the right way.\

I also want to set goals for fitness. I wish I had the drive for it to be "run a 5K" but I fucking hate running, and it's really not my thing. Maybe a 5K the hard way type of thing. Obstacle course where I don't have to run, lol.

I also want to take a dance class of some sort. And a martial arts class. I want to do some sort of group fitness activity with my son also. Be it volleyball, baseball, soccer, or whatever. Something for us to bond over.

Now...to come up with the ideas for rewards! And to make my ass meal prep! UGH. Early up tomorrow so I can go to the store and buy something for lunch! No eating out next week! As a matter of fact, I think I am going to start giving myself only 20 bucks to eat out for the entire week. I wish I could find a way to leave my debit card at home so I don't have to worry about the temptation. Oh well, we will have to rely on my will power!

Progress and Issues...

So this week was week 6 of working out. I have had issues getting up every day and going. My attendance wavered a few times. But I keep going back. It's been the best decision of my life. I have to peel myself out of bed every morning, but once I am done, there is this great sense of accomplishment, and I feel amazing most of the day.

I have been doing better on my nutrition. It has been hard, but I have done a complete 180 from where I used to be. I used to eat fast food every single day. A double whopper, fried chicken, french fries. But now I am making better decisions. There are still days that I have cravings, and sometimes I give into them. Because I am human. But I have not had issues with lots of binges, like I thought I would. I have been making sensible decisions! And I am proud of that.

I have seen results. And I think I will keep seeing results. I do need to get back into the habit of food prep, and I will. I plan on doing better the last 4 weeks. Because I want to see the best results possible in these next weeks. And I think in the long run, I am going to do 1 year at Farrell's. Why mess with something that works?

A lot of people have told me that I look different. I can tell when I look in the mirror, I can feel it in my clothes. But when I look in the mirror, I know that I have a long way to go before I am completely happy. But things are better now. I can already feel the confidence coming back, and I know it's only going to get better with time.

I will say that I have experienced some annoyance in this process. And it really is a tiny complaint. I hate being told what to do. I always have. So when people tell me "You shouldn't", "Don't do.." "Try not to.." "You're gonna gain weight if you..." "Don't eat..."

I am a human. I am going to eat cookies. I am going to eat fries, sometimes. I am going to drink wine. I am going to sip a sprite. Because I do not plan to eat like a fucking vegan for my whole life. I want to eat food that I enjoy (even if it's bad for me, I'll just do it in moderation.) Right now I am trying to find the balance. How much I can eat before I don't see results. And maybe, just maybe, I can kill the cravings. I can get past wanting pasta, cookies, wine (yeah right), or french fries. I don't know though...I don't want to live without it. I want to do it in moderation, and make wiser choices.

Living with Ana

It’s really very hard to explain to people that have not been there, how it feels. There are days when things are fine, you may even look in the mirror and think..”Oh I look nice.” And there are days when you put on an outfit you have worn 100 times and you can’t believe that you ever thought that looked ok. This is recovery. There is a daily struggle of trying to accept yourself, trying to stay on the right path.

When it goes wrong…when that mirror is reflecting back an image that your mind twists into something disgusting, and your inner voice (the one you have battled since the beginning, that you thought was gone) starts twisting and turning every good thing you try and throw out into something disgusting.

“I love my lips”

“But look how chapped and discolored they are”

“My eyes are nice though.”

“But look how they are hooded, it’s hard to put proper makeup on that.”

“Well this dress makes my waist look smaller.”

“But your hips look huge, and your stomach is bulging.”

It’s a never ending battle to stay positive. People tell you that. “Stay positive” “You are beautiful.” “You can fight it! Don’t talk about yourself like that.” It really is easier said than done, right? Especially when you are at war with yourself. Your brain and your body.

Now this is no excuse. I let myself get this way. I let it go, lost the fight of caring for myself the way I should. And now I am going to take control, I am going to pay someone to kick my ass on a daily basis so that I can get back to a space where the demons in my head are at bay. But then comes the balancing act. How much is too much? How far is too far?

Can I write down everything I eat and drink without obsessing? Can I account for my intake without counting every calorie that I am consuming and freaking out? Can do 5-6 meals a day and not gorge myself only to purge later? Because those are the patterns I am used to. And while some might thing “But you can control it.” That is the real deception of this thing: You aren’t in control, it is.

So here’s to hoping that I am finally strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle…myself, my brain, and my disease.

Lie To Me

"Lie to me again," she whispered.

"I love you," he said. No emotion seeped into those words that should have brought the greatest joy to a person's heart.

"And that's the greatest lie of all, isn't it?" She sputtered and blood splattered across her paling lips, like some sort of cherry lip stain. A ghost of a smile eased across her slackened face as her pale blue eyes went flat.

He sighed and eased her from his lap, until she lay upon the floor limply. She had known he was coming for her, and part of him wondered if she knew who had hired him.

He'd had no intention of actually killing the woman, merely moving her to another location with a different name. A new life. Away from the man that wanted her dead. But it seemed he was too late, and he'd find out who it was that had done it, and make them pay. No one took his jobs from him, especially a woman.

A nice little surprise...

I just got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around my body and started to dry myself. It's so normal. Such a normal act to perform. And then my hand brushed over something that was out of place. It startled me. I had to look in the mirror to see what it really was. A protruding lump. It looked like a third nipple. No I am not joking, except it was bigger. I didn't think much of it at first. Thinking maybe I'd pinched my boob between something and that it would go away the next day. It didn't. It was a little bigger the next day, and it hurt to the touch. There is something so gutwrenching about finding something like that on your body. That shit happens to other people, not me. And of course my thought process is "It's cancer". That is the one thing that your mind instantly goes to. I told a few people. But not face to face. Over the phone or Facebook. I went to work like normal, had a rough day. And when I was done, I came home, curled up in my bed, and cried. What if it was cancer? Then what? I know there are these great bounds in science and health. Miracles happen on a daily basis, but people still die from the big C. I thought instantly of my child, and him growing up without a mom. That broke my heart the most. And I curled up tighter and tried to forget. I don't remember passing out that night. I just did. Just fell asleep. Today I woke up with the intention of not calling the doctor. My excuse was that it was too cold. But my mom talked me into it. Surprisingly I was not nervous when I went in. It wasn't until I laid on the table in a gown for twenty minutes, that I got nervous. When my doctor came in to look at it, she instantly knew what it was. A cyst. I should have felt relieved, but I didn't really feel much. I kind of blinked at her as she asked if I wanted it removed today. Of course I did. I wanted that foreign thing out of me. It was quick. There has been a bit of pain, but not much. Now I have a script for antibiotics and orders to take it easy for the next two days. If it comes back they will have to make a larger incision and take more out. I pray it doesn't come back. This whole ordeal put me in a funk. I am still in it, despite being quite happy that I didn't have a rotten cherry (cancer) thrown on top of my shit sundae. I need to find myself again. I need to find my stride and take it back. I need to get that confident beautiful woman that I know lives in me back out again. I'm stumbling around lately, feeling lost. I have plans. I have a forward path, but that doesn't seem enough. I am blaming it on the break up still, but I think I knew something was missing even before the breakup. Maybe school will help. Or maybe it will only take time to heal this little bit of sadness that I have dwelling in my chest. All I know is there will be no pills to help this along. I'm over that route. I hate pills and I let others persuade me into it. I thought it was what you did when you wanted to be happy. I forgot that I hated it from before. I hated how they made me feel. I don't need fake happiness pumped into me every day. I can make my own happy, even if I have to struggle to get there. I'm finding that girl again. I know she is in there someone. It's a new day. It's a new year. It's time to take the reigns. It's time to find my happiness and hold onto it with both hands, and never EVER let anyone tear that away from me. Easier said then done? I guess we will see.

I'm back....

This poor neglected blog. NOt that anyone reads the darn thing anyways. That makes me more inclined to spew my contents across the figurative page. So, since the last post I have been seperated, dated, divorced officially, broken up, and moved out on my own. That is a lot of things to do in 2 years. Well 1 year actually. Crazy what can happen in one year isn't it? So the Airman and I are no more. He was a good man, but our ideals did not line up in the end. And if there was one thing that I stressed, it was that I would eventually marry and have another child, and that was just not in the stars for us. C'est le vie, they say. That was very nearly a month ago, and it still hurts a bit, but you learn to straighten your spine and move forward. It's 2014. Yes, 2014. Where the hell has the time gone. That means this year is my 10 year high school reunion. Hmm, not sure if I am happy about that, or meh. I am still debating if I want to go or not. I haven't accomplished as much as I would have hoped, and I really am not sure I feel the want or desire to go back. At least not this go around. We will see once the time comes closer. Right now the plan is to go back to school. I've waffled again and decided that it would be best to finish my RN. I mean come on, 2 years and I can finish my BSN, it really should be a no brainer. I have a back up plan, but I'm hoping I won't need it. I'm sleepy, and this wine is not helping any of that. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog was. I think I need to try and get back into writing on a semi regular basis. But I have the attention span of a chicken lol. Or a squrriel. Ohhh shiny. Anyways, I think it's time to finish this wine and lay down. I have been up way to late the past few nights. That is really all I have to say about that, lol. Maybe I will elaborate later on, or maybe I will keep that to myself. Though I don't think it matters, because no one reads this. Ha. Good night internet. Ama