Chaos Mixed in with the Mundane

    A lot has changed since the last time I posted. The world has exploded into chaos. Rightly so. The death of another black man has caused protests, riots, and uproar to engulf not only the US but other countries as well. It is overwhelming, especially being a mixed woman. Especially being best friends with a cop and his wife. But it is out of hand, and it's time to be handled. Racism is happening more brazenly lately. (Or perhaps it's just that now it's being recorded and put online for everyone to witness). It feels like everything is coming to a head. There is so much tension. It's going to build and build until it's released or something will explode. I hope that it's something that is fixed. Because it's scary and a very unstable environment. It is stifling and hard to live in. I find myself needing to walk away from social media more often. 

    I don't know. I don't know why I am writing this. I felt like I needed to get stuff off my chest or something but I just can't find the words. I want to be eloquent and a force to be reckoned with, a warrior for the cause. But it's scary. There are people being hung and it's being ruled as suicide, but it's suspect. I don't know what to think or say most days. 

    Things haven't really changed about being home. We are still here. Work isn't slating to have people return until 7/20. But they are bringing people back in waves, and it all really depends on what is going on after the holiday weekend of the Fourth. If there is a spike they may push it back even more. I have been getting out of the house to go to the gym now that it's back open. That was a feat for me. The anxiety alone was so much so that I drove to the gym one day and then didn't get out. I was to nervous about what may happen. My brain was racing with the thought of there being too many people. It has't been bad being back to be honest. Still more people than I am entirely comfortable with. But I needed the gym. It has helped with my anxiety. I have gone 3 times this week. I am going to try and go tomorrow if I can. If not, then Sunday for sure. 

    As I said, there isn't much to update on. Everyone here is healthy and doing okay mentally. Not good, not great. Just okay. I am going to wrap this up though because I should be getting in bed soon. Or trying to work on my book a bit, if I can find the motivation.

The Struggles..

I am mad at myself today. I know that being on a weight loss journey is supposed to be an emotional and physical journey. I get that. Sometimes I am so strong. I am so proud of myself. I am striding through this shit with my head high and kicking ass. I am putting in the work and feeling myself. But good lord, sometimes there are these lows that kick me right in the face and I just want to cry so bad.

Today was rough. So many up and downs. I wanted pancakes, so I ordered out for the kids and I. I ate a lot of food. So I told myself that I was going to eat a light lunch. Guess what, I didn't. We went for a 45 minute walk and I pushed the baby in a stroller (30 lbs up multiple hills is a lot). I was beat, and I was starving. So I had a large lunch. There were left overs and I just kept freaking eating. My brain told me that I was full, but of course I didn't listen. I just gorged myself. And then immediately I felt guilty. So the thought of purging crossed my mind. But then I told myself that there was no way in hell I was doing that. So I didn't. Instead I tracked the calories and had a lighter dinner and I was fine.

But God I hate that I walked down that path. I kind of knew that would happen though. I will never fully leave that side of my life. The thought of purging will always be there. I have been doing good. Staying active, seeing results. I have stayed off the stupid scale, but my measurements have been really good. I just need to slow down. I need to focus on what my body is being able to do now. I am getting stronger, I am getting better. It's an uphill battle, a marathon not a sprint. All that sappy feel good shit.

I need to focus on the fact that I took an hour long walk with my kids to enjoy the weather and some Pokemon Go with them. I was able to play soccer with them for awhile today. OK, yes I had issues with the bike today and the tires because I'm too heavy for the tire, but that is just one thing. A temporary thing. I will not let it drag me into the darkness of starvation and losing control of myself.

I got this. I know I do. I can do this, I will do this.

In other news. things with my husband have gotten a hell of a lot better and it feels like there is a little less stress in the house. Which I am happy for. The ups and downs were mostly downs lately. I think that has everything to do with being constantly locked in the house with each other. God I miss being out and about, but I will suck it up and get over it.

I feel like there are a million other things in my head right now that are flickering out of my mind so I can't write about them so I will just close this out. Not like anyone reads this thing anyways, heh.

-A

Life in the slow lane

Well it's been almost a month since I have posted anything, but at least I am posting right? I supposed I could say at least it hasn't been a year. Ha.

We are still sheltering in place here. Some restrictions have been lifted for certain things but my job still has us working from home until July. Maybe a bit longer depending on how numbers are doing. Currently we have almost almost 11,000 sick and 125 deaths. All things considered we have not lost a lot of people.

Things at home have been better than they were. I am not as stressed, probably because I started a work out challenge and it seems to be helping my mood. I am losing inches, but the stupid scale keeps going up. I'm about to toss the thing in the dumpster and call it a day. Aunt Flo is visiting, so that may be the actual issue, but I am so sick of seeing the number go up and not down. It really irritates my soul.

I am exhausted today for some reason, despite having gone to bed at 11:30 last night and sleeping until 8. I got a decent sleep score, but I think I must have tossed and turned most of the night. My brain kept thinking about Lasik and how I want to have it done, blah blah blah. So for some reason in my dream it was possibly to do the procedure over video. Which, is very freaking weird.

You know, I thought I had a whole slew of things to type about, and last night I probably did, but now my brain can't form coherent thoughts. Which is bad considering I have 20 minutes before I have to log into work. I really should have spent this time getting showered and dressed, but I will have to do it later. I do need to find some work out gear so that I have something to work out in today. I need some sort of walk/run/outdoor and then of course the challenge 50 situps, 50 burpees, 100 squats. I've been doing this less than two weeks and am seeing some amazing results. I am going to keep it up. It's a huge step in the right direction, and I'm pretty proud of myself.

Anyways, time to wrap this up, I have to go grab baby girl.

Small bits of happy...?

There have been little peeks of happiness here and there during this trying time. But sometimes it feels like it's more negative moments then happy. I am trying to be more positive, but it is pretty hard to be stuck in the house constantly. I don't even go to the store anymore. And there seems to be this uncertainty of when things will be able to get back to normal. Let's not even get started on the people that are protesting because they feel like their rights are being infringed upon. I get it. Being stuck in the house sucks, it's boring and overwhelming and fucks up people mentally. But right now a lot of people are dying from this virus.

There are brief glimpses of hope. They are working on studies to see if they can successfully save people, but they are still in the very beginning stages. There was one that has been tried on 7 people in Israel. They were all critical cases, this was actually considered a "last hope" treatment for them. All 7 of them survived. Some of them were even at the point of organ failure and that was able to be reversed. That is a huge leap forward. Let's hope that it works on this person that it is being tried on in the US in NJ.

I haven't really been updated this blog because there isn't must to report. I fluctuate between depression and being okay, but never really beyond that. There is just this helplessness that feels like it lingers at the back of my mind. I hate uncertainty. I hate not being able to make a plan. I try and keep busy, but the cold weather was making it so that I couldn't get out to walk. Yes I know there are other ways to work out, but the fresh air was motivating. It got me out of the house. It is starting to get nice again, so I am going to get back into the routine of going back outside.

I can't wait for the gyms to open back up so that I can actually go lift something heavy. That's a big craving of mine right now. I'll try and figure out a way to scratch that itch. I also want to get into martial arts. That has been a long term wish of mine and that is still on the back burner. We will see what I can mange once things get back to some semblance of normal. I would like to do Brazilian Ju Jitsu. But we will see what will work with the schedule once it happens.

I have a few other things that are in the wings, including trying to get my butt into school this fall. 1.5 years and I will have a Bachelors degree. That is not that long. It is obtainable. Then after that I will get my Masters. I am also working on advancing stuff for my career. I hope something will happen that will make me feel like I am advancing in the right direction. We will see how things pan out in the next few weeks.

Anyways, I am going to finish corralling everyone off to bed and then try and clean up the house a bit so that I feel less surrounded by chaos in the morning.

~A

I can't sleep...

I can't sleep again. I seem to be settling into a routine of getting up early in the morning to get ready, working, taking care of the kids, dinner, cleaning, kids ready for bed, stay up and watch video upon video of what is going on in the world.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I don't know if it is because of the waffling between fear and the "It will be ok" attitude that I have. There is so much misinformation going around and it's starting to get hard to figure out who you should trust. There is such little knowledge of this virus. There are also people every day that keep asking when we can go back to normal.

I think it's normal to want to return to some semblance of life as we used to know it. I think it's normal to want to get out of this heavy haze of anxiety that we live in on a daily basis. Today I took my children out to play outside and my daughter kept touching things, and all I could think was "My God, what if she touches something that has it." Mind you she was touching our patio furniture and nothing else really. But it put this anxiety in my chest and I had to go inside. I had to take my child into the house and sanitize her and myself.

I get it, this is a nasty virus. It is killing dozens. But this constant state of fear that we are living in is also bad. It's mind-numbing and hard to focus on. So you drown yourself in a Netflix show or eating another snack so that you don't think about the reality that is outside. At least the lucky few that get to stay in and work from home. I could not imagine the anxiety and fear that the people that are considered essential go through every single day.

I see videos of healthcare professionals pleading and highlighting their daily struggles. I hear tidbits here and there of what is going on. Mass graves being discussed for New York. Refrigerator trucks to act as temporary morgues. Nurses quitting their jobs because they can not bring themselves to work in a hospital, in a unit, with no protective gear what so ever. This is their new normal. And they are working their asses off every day, putting their lives in danger.

There is so much in this world right now that is scary. So much chaos and death. That is probably exactly why I can't sleep.

Settling into the Chaos

I’m exhausted, but I’m finding it hard to sleep. I keep reading the news and browsing Facebook. And I’m hit with the reality of what is going on in this world. I cycle between scared and feeling okay. It hasn’t hit our city as hard as it has other places, but it keeps building every day. The US is at over 300k cases, and there have been close to 9k deaths I believe. In some countries they are taking people over 65 off of ventilators, sedating them, and letting them pass away so that young people can be given the ventilators instead. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t know how those on the front lines, the doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers, are holding it together.

I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s going to take someone I love. That the world is going to fall into utter chaos and we won’t be able to regain our humanity. It’s been such a struggle these last few weeks, because of being isolated, the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty of what is going on. My son having to leave to spend time with his father. My husband going to work every night. The possible risk of exposure that he could bring into this house. There is also the mountains of information that you have to sort through and find out if it is fact or fiction. It is a scary time to be alive.

You have to wonder, how will this change the world? How long will this last? Will we survive? I I’ll someone I know die? Will someone I love die?

I just want this to go away. It feels like a terrible dream that we can’t wake up from.

There are rumors the postal service will shut down soon. Almost every state in the US except four have shelter in place orders. There are 4 hold out states and mine is one of them.

In the meantime, while we wait this out for a cure or for it to ease, I have been trying to stay active with the kids, go for walks when it’s nice, push-ups, sit-ups, walks. Anything to try and stay active and help with the anxiety and depression. I miss my friends and family. Mom wants us to come over for Easter, just the family but even that scares the heck out of me. You shouldn’t let your fears control you, I know that, but it’s always in the back of my mind these days.

Stay safe.

-A

Anxiety building....

There is this underlying buzzing fear and anxiety in every day life. This, soft humming in the back of your mind as you try and carry out your new normal. The normal where you barely leave your house, you eat at home more,  you go for walks but cross the street to the other side when someone else is walking by to maintain distance. It's there lingering in the shadows as you work from home and take up the role of teacher for your children because their lives too have had to adapt to a new way of life.

There are minute distractions. Small pieces of bliss plucked from the chaos that is our rapidly changing world. Walks in the fresh air. Working from home and being able to spend more time with your children because of it. A clean house because there is nothing else to do. Less traffic on the roads when you are able to get out. But then there is always the lingering reminders that there has been a great shift in the world. That it is not as safe as your brain is trying to convince you of.

Tape on the floor at the store, signs stating to stand 6 feet apart, glimpses of people wearing gloves and masks over their face, the wide eyed panic of everyone in the vicinity if someone coughs. Small glimpses of a bigger picture. And then you turn on the news, and the reality slams into your chest like a freight train. Your pocket of the world is lucky, your community has not been hit so hard by it...yet. But others, they are suffering. They are on the verge of collapse.

The images that are flashing across the screen of multiple graves being built, a story of a family losing three family members in the course of three days and being unable to have a funeral and mourn as we are used to. Refrigerator trucks lining up outside of hospitals to act as makeshift morgues because everything is getting overrun. Life is changing rapidly, and the realization that you are perhaps weeks away from the same fate is scary. Anxiety inducing panic swirls in your chest, and all you can do is watch in horror.

And then there are moments where you shut off the tv, put down your phone, and walk away from the outside world for a moment. And you try and take in the extra time with family, though you miss your other family members and friends.

Times right now are scary. Very scary. And everyone keeps saying to hold on to the hope that you are still employed, hang on to the extra time you get with family, count your blessings that everyone is healthy. But still, that fear is still very real in the pit of your stomach, in the back of your mind.

It is okay to be scared. It is okay to not always be positive and uplifting. You are okay to not be okay. Everything right now is not sunshine and fucking roses. The world is hurting now, and you have every right to process that, to feel it. But also do not dwell in it long, do not let it drag you down. Feel your emotions, process them, and then have faith that in time this will pass. Yes it may leave us living in a new world, but at least we will be living.

The start...

Well the world has gone to shit in a hand basket. Actually I guess that would depend on who you are asking. Some people say it is the end of times, others say that it is all a hoax that the government is using to keep us all locked in our houses. Currently there is a plague that is running a-muck throughout the entire world. Covid-19. Corona Virus. 'Rona. It's killing thousands. This god awful virus is tearing up people's lungs and putting them on breathing machines.

As a result we have all been told to practice "social distancing". What exactly does that mean? Welp, I no longer go into the office. I am completely work from home and have been for nearly two weeks. All restaurants are closed for dine in, you can only get take out or do drive through. Spas, salons, massage parlors, tattoo shops etc are all closed. Stores like Walmart have drastically reduced their hours. Walmarts nationwide are open from 8am-7pm now. Only 'essential' people are working. Which means that my husband is working outside of the home. School has been out for two weeks now, one week was for scheduled spring break, now they are out until at least 4/30/20. There are even rumors that they are going to close schools for the remainder of the year.

Life is...I don't even know how to describe it. It feels like there is nothing to look forward to. I am a social person, I always have been, and now I am stuck in the house except to go to the store maybe once a week, and to walk the neighborhood. My gym is closed, so there is no outlet for me time. It feels like the world is all waiting with this bated breath to see if everything is going to implode. Like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it very well may. This virus is dangerous, it is taking people out that are young, old, and in between.

I feel like my existence is literally to work, cook, clean, take care of children. There is nothing outside of this home right now. Only this bubbling anxiety that I am going to be stuck here forever in this limbo.

Goals and Plans

I have been sort of quiet since my last post. I have yet to see the doctor in regard to the last topic I wrote about, but I am starting to not be so surprised by this. I am told constantly that it's normal post partum bleeding. I have never in my life experienced this sort of issues with my period. There will be a follow up with a Hematologist, to make sure I am not a Hemophiliac since I am having bleeding episodes now. It'll be interesting to see the results.

So again I am trying to buckle down and lose weight. This was day two of tracking calories again, watching to make sure I hit my macros, and tomorrow will be a trip to the gym. This week should prove to be interesting considering that I have quite a bit on my plate. I want to try and get into the gym at least 3x this week, despite the fact that I am going out of town with my mom for a Women's Retreat with the bleeding disorder chapter. I am pretty excited for it. But I am going to be taking work out clothes with me so that I can get a work out in on Sat and Sun mornings. We are supposed to do Yoga on Sunday morning, but I really think I am going to need to work out beforehand as well.

I really am not sure how I feel about that fact that I am planning on leaving my baby for 2 nights! I don't like the idea, but I really do need the break. I feel like I have been burning the candle at both ends. Between the accident, promotion, ex being out of town, having Jaxon 24/7, it has been a whirlwind. So I need a bit of a slow down.

Oh! Back to the weight loss thing. I did weigh myself since last week and I am down 5 lbs. Now obviously 5 lbs isn't that big of a deal for some, especially since it was probably water weight, but I seriously will take what I can get. I really should be taking before pictures, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe this weekend I will. Just so I know where I am starting, and later on I can go "OMG look how far I have come".

I honestly think this is one of my most boring blogs every. Ha.

Night all!

A

Catharsis and Blood

There is nothing more humbling than having to go to the store at 11pm at night to get adult incontinence products because you are bleeding so much during your cycle that it's ruining underwear and bleeding through two overnight maxi pads. And I don't give a good hot damn if they have cute patterns on them and are "discrete". They don't feel discrete when you happen to look in the mirror and spot yourself, at 32, wearing an adult diaper.

I have been struggling hard lately. Emotionally I have been hit over and over again with one thing after another. Do not get me wrong, there have been some amazing ups, but there have been a hell of a lot of crazy downs lately. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to keep my head above water, but I always seem to. I have to. I have to be there for my family, and be that pillar. Because that's my job and my role in their lives. But I swear by all that is holy, sometimes I need my own life jacket. Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life that help me get through it all. I just need to not bottle it up like I usually do. I have been trying to let it out, and I have people that listen. But sometimes even that hasn't been enough.

Now I am struggling with this bleeding problem. I woke up to so much blood on Monday morning, 330 am, that it look like I had murdered someone. That is scary to see. Bright red blood everywhere. So bad that I jumped in the shower really quick to make sure I was able to get clean. Then I changed clothes, put on a new pad, and went to bed. By 6 am I was back up with a similar situation. And the bleeding was still bad. It was around 11 am that I started to feel dizzy, lightheaded, shaky, and just bad in general. I was shaking so bad at one point that my boss decided to call squad. By the time they arrived I was doing better, they told me that the hospital wouldn't do much for me, despite the blood loss. I also had spoken with my OBGYN's office and had been told to take this birth control pill and if after a week I was still bleeding like that, then I should come be seen. And that the only time I should go to the ER is if I am filling a pad an hour front to back, side to side, for four hours.

Of course I haven't been bleeding that much. Not enough to fill four pads. I am still bleeding through two pads after a few hours. It's never been like this before. I mean, I've had heavy flow days, but it's never been this bad. I was talking to my mom, and I think I am going to see a Hematologist. I think my factor levels need to be checked and I need to make sure I am not anemic now that I've been bleeding. I really wanted to go to the gym after work, but I was literally so tired that I had to sleep. I was in pain from cramps, Ibuprofen was not helping, so I laid down at 730 and passed out.

I really don't want this to run my life. I want to get it under control. I don't want to be so tired that I have to pass out before bed time. I want to go to the gym when I crave it. I need to figure this out, so that I can go back to a normal life.

I feel like the gym is going to become my catharsis. I have been able to feel quite a bit better after I go. A friend suggested to use it as a way to channel my anger, pain, and frustration. That's what I plan to do. I will put all of that energy into lifting and running/elliptical. Because that energy should not be in me. It should be released out into the world and dissipated. I will feel a thousand times better after. But, until I can go back to how I was, I will walk on my breaks weather permitting.

Also, this seemed to help. I need to start writing when I get to feeling crazy. I forget how much it seems to help.

Alright, back to bed now.

~A.

Pity Party: Table for one.

I had a few feelings that have been choking me lately. I can't seem to shake them. I know they are normal, but I am just struggling with them so hard. It feels impossible to voice them, put them into words that others can understand. Sometimes writing helps, so here we are. I honestly don't even know where to start.

I suppose my biggest issue right now is that I can't look myself in the mirror. Now that has never been something new for me. As a matter of fact, that has been a near constant in my life since I was a teen for one reason or another. This time it has to do with my weight. And I know a lot of people are going to say "Yeah but you are working on that." I know I am, but it really is a deeper issue. I hate the way I look now, and I have a sinking feeling that even if I lose the weight, even if I keep it off, I am going to hate how I look. Because there is going to be loose skin, and sagging. There already is that now, and yes, I am aware that I had a baby 2 months ago. And because of that I have more sagging in my breasts and extra skin. I didn't have that before. This sounds very pity party, and I suppose it is.

I just...I want to be able to look in the mirror and love what I see. But I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to even after I lose the weight. Even after I have surgery to remove any extra skin. I have moments where I am so proud of what my body has done, will do, and can do. They just seem so fleeting these days. I know it's a slump. I know I have to dig down and use this to spur me on. I will, I am just allowing myself a few moments to reflect on this and feel it. I will get up in a bit, put on clothes to go to the gym, and push myself as hard as my body will allow. That is the only way I am going to change this. My determination has to be bigger than my fear and my disgust.

As I told a friend today. I hate myself. I hate that I feel so badly about my body. I hate that I feel so disgusted in my own skin that I can't even look at myself. I hate that I feel like a flabby fat blob. The only way that is going to change is with choices. And praying that I will learn to love the new body that I am going to create.

I feel a bit better now. I feel like I can breathe again. Now we will put on some headphones and go kill the emotions at the gym with some soul stirring music, cardio, and weights. As much as my body can tolerate.

One stumble does not mean you are out of the race...

I feel terrible right now. I had been doing so well this week. Work out minded, eyes set on a goal. I resisted the temptation to eat out. I did so well. And then the weekend came and I lost all control, all mother freaking commitment. I ate. I ate so much. I binged. We will just call it that. I shoved as much into my body as I could. I feel engorged. I just guzzled a shit ton of water also, and now I feel sick to my stomach. Like I want to barf. I bet if I drank another glass I could do it, make myself puke.

But I am not going to do that. I am not going to give into the urge to purge after I binged. I will not fall into the trap of old ways. I feel off the horse. I have to get back on. I have to not feel guilty for losing it for one day. I have to reign my shit in and get it together. Because tomorrow is a new day. It did not take me 1 day to get as big as I am. It took years. It took many decisions. And I made good ones this week. I just made a few bad ones. I will not let that spin me back into the misery that is what I have been in for years.

I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Or worst yet, not even being able to look myself in the mirror. Confidence is hard to come by for me. I fake it most days. I plaster makeup onto my face and flash that million kilowatt smile, and hope they believe it. Because I know I don't. I know that deep down there is that ugly voice that has always been there stripping me down to that ugly shaking fat girl I've always been.

I am trying to ignore that voice. I really am. Lately I've had the thoughts to binge, purge, or not eat. But it seems that not eating hurts more these days. You'd think I like that. You think I'd crave that bone gnawing hunger that grasps the pit of my stomach and twists viciously. I used to crave that, I used to need that. Now, now I can't stand it. Now when I feel it, I want to eat everything in sight. I think that is a whole new eating disorder. I think food is it's own addiction now. I turn to it when I need comfort, because I don't know how to seek that from other people. I don't know how to reach out and ask for the help I need.

I sometimes wonder why I am so broken. I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself. Why can't I just be a normal girl, with normal reactions to food and life? But I guess that is also a fallacy. No girl or no person ever has a normal relationship with food. Everyone has their own hangups. I just can't seem to find a way to cope with mine.

So what am I going to do? I am going to put my big girl panties on, and I am going to work out, and try to make better decisions. I am going to lose this 140 lbs total. I am going to feel good in my skin again. I am going to own who I am, and love it.

On a roll..

Here I am, 3 days into the new year and I have managed to get to the gym 2 out of those 3 days. Perhaps, just maybe this might be a sign of something good. I am going to do this, I am going to smash it right the fuck out of the park!

I am going to be down 100 lbs. I am going to feel better about myself. I am going to put me first. I am going to be fierce, a lioness. I am going to spend more time with those I love. I am going to attend school. I am going to achieve my goals!!

These are promises I am making myself. Promises that I can not break, because then I am letting myself down. We can't have that shit, now can we?

I almost didn't go to the gym tonight. I had to go home to change and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and be warm. But then the guilt kicked in, and I had to get my ass up and dressed. I did some light cardio and lifted upper body. I feel like I might need someone to go with me. To motivate me to push myself harder. I know that I will plateau if I don't. And I have too long of a road ahead of me for all of that.

So the search will begin for someone that can prod and push me toward my goals. Someone who is as big a beast in the gym as I know I can be. I think joining the new gym will help. I can swim, do classes, etc. I miss doing laps, however I need swim suit bottoms haha. Oi.

Okay, I think I am going to wrap this up. I've actually had a pretty decent day and am glad that I could share it with whoever is reading this.

Goals for 2017

Well now, ladies and gentleman, welcome to 2017. I am glad to leave 2016 behind in my dust. It was an alright year, but it seemed like so much negative happened. Everyone always says that the new year is going to be so much better. This year I am making it so! I will breathe it into life, and make sure that I achieve everything that I set out to do. And if I have a set back, I will keep at it. Because that's what I need to do.

So, I am sure there are people asking what my resolutions are going to be. I don't have any. I do have goals. Things that I want to achieve. Things that I WILL achieve.

1. Weight loss of 100lbs
2. Become more active. (Dance, sing, act, be creative)
3. Spend more time with family.
4. Take more trips/vacation
5. Write more often.
6. Be positive
7. Eat better.
8. Be the healthiest I can be.
9. Give back.
10. Be happy.

There are some things that I am reducing in my life.

1.  Negative people.
2. Clutter.
3. Things I don't need.
4. Drink less alcohol
5. Less eating out.

Also dating will take a complete and utter back seat this year. I do not plan to pursue anyone. Now that is not to say that if someone that is worthy decides to show up, that I won't allow it. But I am not searching for it. I don't have the capacity at the time. I have to find the person I know that is inside of me. The one I let wither away. That's enough of that! 

It's time for a positive time in my life. A year of emotional, mental, and physical growth. And I have a strong support at my back to do it!

Goals...I got em!

So a check in...I am now down 17 lbs. That's a great accomplishment for 2 months. I am proud of myself. There is a long way to go. A very long way, but I know I can do it. I do have some mini goals in mind, and I have to come up with some rewards when I reach each. When I hit 20 lbs gone, I need to do something for myself. Yes, I know that is 3 lbs away, but come on! 20 lbs gone will be a huge accomplishment. I have made better choices, I am starting to feel more confident, things are fitting better.

I have a pair of pants that I have not been able to wear in almost two years. I put them on today, while they are a bit tight, they fit. I can put them on and button them. That...deserves something. I will figure out what soon....

So goals...I have to set them small, so they are attainable.

Goal 1: 20 lbs gone. (Purse)
Goal 2: 35 lbs gone  (Facial)
Goal 3: 50 lbs gone  (New Jeans)
Goal 4:75 lbs gone   (New piece of jewlery)
Goal 5: 100 lbs gone. (Vacation!)

I am not going to put a deadline on any of these. I want this to be as healthy as possible. I want to eat and work out and do this the right way.\

I also want to set goals for fitness. I wish I had the drive for it to be "run a 5K" but I fucking hate running, and it's really not my thing. Maybe a 5K the hard way type of thing. Obstacle course where I don't have to run, lol.

I also want to take a dance class of some sort. And a martial arts class. I want to do some sort of group fitness activity with my son also. Be it volleyball, baseball, soccer, or whatever. Something for us to bond over.

Now...to come up with the ideas for rewards! And to make my ass meal prep! UGH. Early up tomorrow so I can go to the store and buy something for lunch! No eating out next week! As a matter of fact, I think I am going to start giving myself only 20 bucks to eat out for the entire week. I wish I could find a way to leave my debit card at home so I don't have to worry about the temptation. Oh well, we will have to rely on my will power!

Progress and Issues...

So this week was week 6 of working out. I have had issues getting up every day and going. My attendance wavered a few times. But I keep going back. It's been the best decision of my life. I have to peel myself out of bed every morning, but once I am done, there is this great sense of accomplishment, and I feel amazing most of the day.

I have been doing better on my nutrition. It has been hard, but I have done a complete 180 from where I used to be. I used to eat fast food every single day. A double whopper, fried chicken, french fries. But now I am making better decisions. There are still days that I have cravings, and sometimes I give into them. Because I am human. But I have not had issues with lots of binges, like I thought I would. I have been making sensible decisions! And I am proud of that.

I have seen results. And I think I will keep seeing results. I do need to get back into the habit of food prep, and I will. I plan on doing better the last 4 weeks. Because I want to see the best results possible in these next weeks. And I think in the long run, I am going to do 1 year at Farrell's. Why mess with something that works?

A lot of people have told me that I look different. I can tell when I look in the mirror, I can feel it in my clothes. But when I look in the mirror, I know that I have a long way to go before I am completely happy. But things are better now. I can already feel the confidence coming back, and I know it's only going to get better with time.

I will say that I have experienced some annoyance in this process. And it really is a tiny complaint. I hate being told what to do. I always have. So when people tell me "You shouldn't", "Don't do.." "Try not to.." "You're gonna gain weight if you..." "Don't eat..."

I am a human. I am going to eat cookies. I am going to eat fries, sometimes. I am going to drink wine. I am going to sip a sprite. Because I do not plan to eat like a fucking vegan for my whole life. I want to eat food that I enjoy (even if it's bad for me, I'll just do it in moderation.) Right now I am trying to find the balance. How much I can eat before I don't see results. And maybe, just maybe, I can kill the cravings. I can get past wanting pasta, cookies, wine (yeah right), or french fries. I don't know though...I don't want to live without it. I want to do it in moderation, and make wiser choices.

Living with Ana

It’s really very hard to explain to people that have not been there, how it feels. There are days when things are fine, you may even look in the mirror and think..”Oh I look nice.” And there are days when you put on an outfit you have worn 100 times and you can’t believe that you ever thought that looked ok. This is recovery. There is a daily struggle of trying to accept yourself, trying to stay on the right path.

When it goes wrong…when that mirror is reflecting back an image that your mind twists into something disgusting, and your inner voice (the one you have battled since the beginning, that you thought was gone) starts twisting and turning every good thing you try and throw out into something disgusting.

“I love my lips”

“But look how chapped and discolored they are”

“My eyes are nice though.”

“But look how they are hooded, it’s hard to put proper makeup on that.”

“Well this dress makes my waist look smaller.”

“But your hips look huge, and your stomach is bulging.”

It’s a never ending battle to stay positive. People tell you that. “Stay positive” “You are beautiful.” “You can fight it! Don’t talk about yourself like that.” It really is easier said than done, right? Especially when you are at war with yourself. Your brain and your body.

Now this is no excuse. I let myself get this way. I let it go, lost the fight of caring for myself the way I should. And now I am going to take control, I am going to pay someone to kick my ass on a daily basis so that I can get back to a space where the demons in my head are at bay. But then comes the balancing act. How much is too much? How far is too far?

Can I write down everything I eat and drink without obsessing? Can I account for my intake without counting every calorie that I am consuming and freaking out? Can do 5-6 meals a day and not gorge myself only to purge later? Because those are the patterns I am used to. And while some might thing “But you can control it.” That is the real deception of this thing: You aren’t in control, it is.

So here’s to hoping that I am finally strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle…myself, my brain, and my disease.

Lie To Me

"Lie to me again," she whispered.

"I love you," he said. No emotion seeped into those words that should have brought the greatest joy to a person's heart.

"And that's the greatest lie of all, isn't it?" She sputtered and blood splattered across her paling lips, like some sort of cherry lip stain. A ghost of a smile eased across her slackened face as her pale blue eyes went flat.

He sighed and eased her from his lap, until she lay upon the floor limply. She had known he was coming for her, and part of him wondered if she knew who had hired him.

He'd had no intention of actually killing the woman, merely moving her to another location with a different name. A new life. Away from the man that wanted her dead. But it seemed he was too late, and he'd find out who it was that had done it, and make them pay. No one took his jobs from him, especially a woman.

A nice little surprise...

I just got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around my body and started to dry myself. It's so normal. Such a normal act to perform. And then my hand brushed over something that was out of place. It startled me. I had to look in the mirror to see what it really was. A protruding lump. It looked like a third nipple. No I am not joking, except it was bigger. I didn't think much of it at first. Thinking maybe I'd pinched my boob between something and that it would go away the next day. It didn't. It was a little bigger the next day, and it hurt to the touch. There is something so gutwrenching about finding something like that on your body. That shit happens to other people, not me. And of course my thought process is "It's cancer". That is the one thing that your mind instantly goes to. I told a few people. But not face to face. Over the phone or Facebook. I went to work like normal, had a rough day. And when I was done, I came home, curled up in my bed, and cried. What if it was cancer? Then what? I know there are these great bounds in science and health. Miracles happen on a daily basis, but people still die from the big C. I thought instantly of my child, and him growing up without a mom. That broke my heart the most. And I curled up tighter and tried to forget. I don't remember passing out that night. I just did. Just fell asleep. Today I woke up with the intention of not calling the doctor. My excuse was that it was too cold. But my mom talked me into it. Surprisingly I was not nervous when I went in. It wasn't until I laid on the table in a gown for twenty minutes, that I got nervous. When my doctor came in to look at it, she instantly knew what it was. A cyst. I should have felt relieved, but I didn't really feel much. I kind of blinked at her as she asked if I wanted it removed today. Of course I did. I wanted that foreign thing out of me. It was quick. There has been a bit of pain, but not much. Now I have a script for antibiotics and orders to take it easy for the next two days. If it comes back they will have to make a larger incision and take more out. I pray it doesn't come back. This whole ordeal put me in a funk. I am still in it, despite being quite happy that I didn't have a rotten cherry (cancer) thrown on top of my shit sundae. I need to find myself again. I need to find my stride and take it back. I need to get that confident beautiful woman that I know lives in me back out again. I'm stumbling around lately, feeling lost. I have plans. I have a forward path, but that doesn't seem enough. I am blaming it on the break up still, but I think I knew something was missing even before the breakup. Maybe school will help. Or maybe it will only take time to heal this little bit of sadness that I have dwelling in my chest. All I know is there will be no pills to help this along. I'm over that route. I hate pills and I let others persuade me into it. I thought it was what you did when you wanted to be happy. I forgot that I hated it from before. I hated how they made me feel. I don't need fake happiness pumped into me every day. I can make my own happy, even if I have to struggle to get there. I'm finding that girl again. I know she is in there someone. It's a new day. It's a new year. It's time to take the reigns. It's time to find my happiness and hold onto it with both hands, and never EVER let anyone tear that away from me. Easier said then done? I guess we will see.

I'm back....

This poor neglected blog. NOt that anyone reads the darn thing anyways. That makes me more inclined to spew my contents across the figurative page. So, since the last post I have been seperated, dated, divorced officially, broken up, and moved out on my own. That is a lot of things to do in 2 years. Well 1 year actually. Crazy what can happen in one year isn't it? So the Airman and I are no more. He was a good man, but our ideals did not line up in the end. And if there was one thing that I stressed, it was that I would eventually marry and have another child, and that was just not in the stars for us. C'est le vie, they say. That was very nearly a month ago, and it still hurts a bit, but you learn to straighten your spine and move forward. It's 2014. Yes, 2014. Where the hell has the time gone. That means this year is my 10 year high school reunion. Hmm, not sure if I am happy about that, or meh. I am still debating if I want to go or not. I haven't accomplished as much as I would have hoped, and I really am not sure I feel the want or desire to go back. At least not this go around. We will see once the time comes closer. Right now the plan is to go back to school. I've waffled again and decided that it would be best to finish my RN. I mean come on, 2 years and I can finish my BSN, it really should be a no brainer. I have a back up plan, but I'm hoping I won't need it. I'm sleepy, and this wine is not helping any of that. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog was. I think I need to try and get back into writing on a semi regular basis. But I have the attention span of a chicken lol. Or a squrriel. Ohhh shiny. Anyways, I think it's time to finish this wine and lay down. I have been up way to late the past few nights. That is really all I have to say about that, lol. Maybe I will elaborate later on, or maybe I will keep that to myself. Though I don't think it matters, because no one reads this. Ha. Good night internet. Ama