Pity Party: Table for one.

I had a few feelings that have been choking me lately. I can't seem to shake them. I know they are normal, but I am just struggling with them so hard. It feels impossible to voice them, put them into words that others can understand. Sometimes writing helps, so here we are. I honestly don't even know where to start.

I suppose my biggest issue right now is that I can't look myself in the mirror. Now that has never been something new for me. As a matter of fact, that has been a near constant in my life since I was a teen for one reason or another. This time it has to do with my weight. And I know a lot of people are going to say "Yeah but you are working on that." I know I am, but it really is a deeper issue. I hate the way I look now, and I have a sinking feeling that even if I lose the weight, even if I keep it off, I am going to hate how I look. Because there is going to be loose skin, and sagging. There already is that now, and yes, I am aware that I had a baby 2 months ago. And because of that I have more sagging in my breasts and extra skin. I didn't have that before. This sounds very pity party, and I suppose it is.

I just...I want to be able to look in the mirror and love what I see. But I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to even after I lose the weight. Even after I have surgery to remove any extra skin. I have moments where I am so proud of what my body has done, will do, and can do. They just seem so fleeting these days. I know it's a slump. I know I have to dig down and use this to spur me on. I will, I am just allowing myself a few moments to reflect on this and feel it. I will get up in a bit, put on clothes to go to the gym, and push myself as hard as my body will allow. That is the only way I am going to change this. My determination has to be bigger than my fear and my disgust.

As I told a friend today. I hate myself. I hate that I feel so badly about my body. I hate that I feel so disgusted in my own skin that I can't even look at myself. I hate that I feel like a flabby fat blob. The only way that is going to change is with choices. And praying that I will learn to love the new body that I am going to create.

I feel a bit better now. I feel like I can breathe again. Now we will put on some headphones and go kill the emotions at the gym with some soul stirring music, cardio, and weights. As much as my body can tolerate.

One stumble does not mean you are out of the race...

I feel terrible right now. I had been doing so well this week. Work out minded, eyes set on a goal. I resisted the temptation to eat out. I did so well. And then the weekend came and I lost all control, all mother freaking commitment. I ate. I ate so much. I binged. We will just call it that. I shoved as much into my body as I could. I feel engorged. I just guzzled a shit ton of water also, and now I feel sick to my stomach. Like I want to barf. I bet if I drank another glass I could do it, make myself puke.

But I am not going to do that. I am not going to give into the urge to purge after I binged. I will not fall into the trap of old ways. I feel off the horse. I have to get back on. I have to not feel guilty for losing it for one day. I have to reign my shit in and get it together. Because tomorrow is a new day. It did not take me 1 day to get as big as I am. It took years. It took many decisions. And I made good ones this week. I just made a few bad ones. I will not let that spin me back into the misery that is what I have been in for years.

I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Or worst yet, not even being able to look myself in the mirror. Confidence is hard to come by for me. I fake it most days. I plaster makeup onto my face and flash that million kilowatt smile, and hope they believe it. Because I know I don't. I know that deep down there is that ugly voice that has always been there stripping me down to that ugly shaking fat girl I've always been.

I am trying to ignore that voice. I really am. Lately I've had the thoughts to binge, purge, or not eat. But it seems that not eating hurts more these days. You'd think I like that. You think I'd crave that bone gnawing hunger that grasps the pit of my stomach and twists viciously. I used to crave that, I used to need that. Now, now I can't stand it. Now when I feel it, I want to eat everything in sight. I think that is a whole new eating disorder. I think food is it's own addiction now. I turn to it when I need comfort, because I don't know how to seek that from other people. I don't know how to reach out and ask for the help I need.

I sometimes wonder why I am so broken. I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself. Why can't I just be a normal girl, with normal reactions to food and life? But I guess that is also a fallacy. No girl or no person ever has a normal relationship with food. Everyone has their own hangups. I just can't seem to find a way to cope with mine.

So what am I going to do? I am going to put my big girl panties on, and I am going to work out, and try to make better decisions. I am going to lose this 140 lbs total. I am going to feel good in my skin again. I am going to own who I am, and love it.

On a roll..

Here I am, 3 days into the new year and I have managed to get to the gym 2 out of those 3 days. Perhaps, just maybe this might be a sign of something good. I am going to do this, I am going to smash it right the fuck out of the park!

I am going to be down 100 lbs. I am going to feel better about myself. I am going to put me first. I am going to be fierce, a lioness. I am going to spend more time with those I love. I am going to attend school. I am going to achieve my goals!!

These are promises I am making myself. Promises that I can not break, because then I am letting myself down. We can't have that shit, now can we?

I almost didn't go to the gym tonight. I had to go home to change and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and be warm. But then the guilt kicked in, and I had to get my ass up and dressed. I did some light cardio and lifted upper body. I feel like I might need someone to go with me. To motivate me to push myself harder. I know that I will plateau if I don't. And I have too long of a road ahead of me for all of that.

So the search will begin for someone that can prod and push me toward my goals. Someone who is as big a beast in the gym as I know I can be. I think joining the new gym will help. I can swim, do classes, etc. I miss doing laps, however I need swim suit bottoms haha. Oi.

Okay, I think I am going to wrap this up. I've actually had a pretty decent day and am glad that I could share it with whoever is reading this.

Goals for 2017

Well now, ladies and gentleman, welcome to 2017. I am glad to leave 2016 behind in my dust. It was an alright year, but it seemed like so much negative happened. Everyone always says that the new year is going to be so much better. This year I am making it so! I will breathe it into life, and make sure that I achieve everything that I set out to do. And if I have a set back, I will keep at it. Because that's what I need to do.

So, I am sure there are people asking what my resolutions are going to be. I don't have any. I do have goals. Things that I want to achieve. Things that I WILL achieve.

1. Weight loss of 100lbs
2. Become more active. (Dance, sing, act, be creative)
3. Spend more time with family.
4. Take more trips/vacation
5. Write more often.
6. Be positive
7. Eat better.
8. Be the healthiest I can be.
9. Give back.
10. Be happy.

There are some things that I am reducing in my life.

1.  Negative people.
2. Clutter.
3. Things I don't need.
4. Drink less alcohol
5. Less eating out.

Also dating will take a complete and utter back seat this year. I do not plan to pursue anyone. Now that is not to say that if someone that is worthy decides to show up, that I won't allow it. But I am not searching for it. I don't have the capacity at the time. I have to find the person I know that is inside of me. The one I let wither away. That's enough of that! 

It's time for a positive time in my life. A year of emotional, mental, and physical growth. And I have a strong support at my back to do it!

Goals...I got em!

So a check in...I am now down 17 lbs. That's a great accomplishment for 2 months. I am proud of myself. There is a long way to go. A very long way, but I know I can do it. I do have some mini goals in mind, and I have to come up with some rewards when I reach each. When I hit 20 lbs gone, I need to do something for myself. Yes, I know that is 3 lbs away, but come on! 20 lbs gone will be a huge accomplishment. I have made better choices, I am starting to feel more confident, things are fitting better.

I have a pair of pants that I have not been able to wear in almost two years. I put them on today, while they are a bit tight, they fit. I can put them on and button them. That...deserves something. I will figure out what soon....

So goals...I have to set them small, so they are attainable.

Goal 1: 20 lbs gone. (Purse)
Goal 2: 35 lbs gone  (Facial)
Goal 3: 50 lbs gone  (New Jeans)
Goal 4:75 lbs gone   (New piece of jewlery)
Goal 5: 100 lbs gone. (Vacation!)

I am not going to put a deadline on any of these. I want this to be as healthy as possible. I want to eat and work out and do this the right way.\

I also want to set goals for fitness. I wish I had the drive for it to be "run a 5K" but I fucking hate running, and it's really not my thing. Maybe a 5K the hard way type of thing. Obstacle course where I don't have to run, lol.

I also want to take a dance class of some sort. And a martial arts class. I want to do some sort of group fitness activity with my son also. Be it volleyball, baseball, soccer, or whatever. Something for us to bond over.

Now...to come up with the ideas for rewards! And to make my ass meal prep! UGH. Early up tomorrow so I can go to the store and buy something for lunch! No eating out next week! As a matter of fact, I think I am going to start giving myself only 20 bucks to eat out for the entire week. I wish I could find a way to leave my debit card at home so I don't have to worry about the temptation. Oh well, we will have to rely on my will power!

Progress and Issues...

So this week was week 6 of working out. I have had issues getting up every day and going. My attendance wavered a few times. But I keep going back. It's been the best decision of my life. I have to peel myself out of bed every morning, but once I am done, there is this great sense of accomplishment, and I feel amazing most of the day.

I have been doing better on my nutrition. It has been hard, but I have done a complete 180 from where I used to be. I used to eat fast food every single day. A double whopper, fried chicken, french fries. But now I am making better decisions. There are still days that I have cravings, and sometimes I give into them. Because I am human. But I have not had issues with lots of binges, like I thought I would. I have been making sensible decisions! And I am proud of that.

I have seen results. And I think I will keep seeing results. I do need to get back into the habit of food prep, and I will. I plan on doing better the last 4 weeks. Because I want to see the best results possible in these next weeks. And I think in the long run, I am going to do 1 year at Farrell's. Why mess with something that works?

A lot of people have told me that I look different. I can tell when I look in the mirror, I can feel it in my clothes. But when I look in the mirror, I know that I have a long way to go before I am completely happy. But things are better now. I can already feel the confidence coming back, and I know it's only going to get better with time.

I will say that I have experienced some annoyance in this process. And it really is a tiny complaint. I hate being told what to do. I always have. So when people tell me "You shouldn't", "Don't do.." "Try not to.." "You're gonna gain weight if you..." "Don't eat..."

I am a human. I am going to eat cookies. I am going to eat fries, sometimes. I am going to drink wine. I am going to sip a sprite. Because I do not plan to eat like a fucking vegan for my whole life. I want to eat food that I enjoy (even if it's bad for me, I'll just do it in moderation.) Right now I am trying to find the balance. How much I can eat before I don't see results. And maybe, just maybe, I can kill the cravings. I can get past wanting pasta, cookies, wine (yeah right), or french fries. I don't know though...I don't want to live without it. I want to do it in moderation, and make wiser choices.

Living with Ana

It’s really very hard to explain to people that have not been there, how it feels. There are days when things are fine, you may even look in the mirror and think..”Oh I look nice.” And there are days when you put on an outfit you have worn 100 times and you can’t believe that you ever thought that looked ok. This is recovery. There is a daily struggle of trying to accept yourself, trying to stay on the right path.

When it goes wrong…when that mirror is reflecting back an image that your mind twists into something disgusting, and your inner voice (the one you have battled since the beginning, that you thought was gone) starts twisting and turning every good thing you try and throw out into something disgusting.

“I love my lips”

“But look how chapped and discolored they are”

“My eyes are nice though.”

“But look how they are hooded, it’s hard to put proper makeup on that.”

“Well this dress makes my waist look smaller.”

“But your hips look huge, and your stomach is bulging.”

It’s a never ending battle to stay positive. People tell you that. “Stay positive” “You are beautiful.” “You can fight it! Don’t talk about yourself like that.” It really is easier said than done, right? Especially when you are at war with yourself. Your brain and your body.

Now this is no excuse. I let myself get this way. I let it go, lost the fight of caring for myself the way I should. And now I am going to take control, I am going to pay someone to kick my ass on a daily basis so that I can get back to a space where the demons in my head are at bay. But then comes the balancing act. How much is too much? How far is too far?

Can I write down everything I eat and drink without obsessing? Can I account for my intake without counting every calorie that I am consuming and freaking out? Can do 5-6 meals a day and not gorge myself only to purge later? Because those are the patterns I am used to. And while some might thing “But you can control it.” That is the real deception of this thing: You aren’t in control, it is.

So here’s to hoping that I am finally strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle…myself, my brain, and my disease.