I can't sleep...

I can't sleep again. I seem to be settling into a routine of getting up early in the morning to get ready, working, taking care of the kids, dinner, cleaning, kids ready for bed, stay up and watch video upon video of what is going on in the world.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I don't know if it is because of the waffling between fear and the "It will be ok" attitude that I have. There is so much misinformation going around and it's starting to get hard to figure out who you should trust. There is such little knowledge of this virus. There are also people every day that keep asking when we can go back to normal.

I think it's normal to want to return to some semblance of life as we used to know it. I think it's normal to want to get out of this heavy haze of anxiety that we live in on a daily basis. Today I took my children out to play outside and my daughter kept touching things, and all I could think was "My God, what if she touches something that has it." Mind you she was touching our patio furniture and nothing else really. But it put this anxiety in my chest and I had to go inside. I had to take my child into the house and sanitize her and myself.

I get it, this is a nasty virus. It is killing dozens. But this constant state of fear that we are living in is also bad. It's mind-numbing and hard to focus on. So you drown yourself in a Netflix show or eating another snack so that you don't think about the reality that is outside. At least the lucky few that get to stay in and work from home. I could not imagine the anxiety and fear that the people that are considered essential go through every single day.

I see videos of healthcare professionals pleading and highlighting their daily struggles. I hear tidbits here and there of what is going on. Mass graves being discussed for New York. Refrigerator trucks to act as temporary morgues. Nurses quitting their jobs because they can not bring themselves to work in a hospital, in a unit, with no protective gear what so ever. This is their new normal. And they are working their asses off every day, putting their lives in danger.

There is so much in this world right now that is scary. So much chaos and death. That is probably exactly why I can't sleep.

Settling into the Chaos

I’m exhausted, but I’m finding it hard to sleep. I keep reading the news and browsing Facebook. And I’m hit with the reality of what is going on in this world. I cycle between scared and feeling okay. It hasn’t hit our city as hard as it has other places, but it keeps building every day. The US is at over 300k cases, and there have been close to 9k deaths I believe. In some countries they are taking people over 65 off of ventilators, sedating them, and letting them pass away so that young people can be given the ventilators instead. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t know how those on the front lines, the doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers, are holding it together.

I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s going to take someone I love. That the world is going to fall into utter chaos and we won’t be able to regain our humanity. It’s been such a struggle these last few weeks, because of being isolated, the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty of what is going on. My son having to leave to spend time with his father. My husband going to work every night. The possible risk of exposure that he could bring into this house. There is also the mountains of information that you have to sort through and find out if it is fact or fiction. It is a scary time to be alive.

You have to wonder, how will this change the world? How long will this last? Will we survive? I I’ll someone I know die? Will someone I love die?

I just want this to go away. It feels like a terrible dream that we can’t wake up from.

There are rumors the postal service will shut down soon. Almost every state in the US except four have shelter in place orders. There are 4 hold out states and mine is one of them.

In the meantime, while we wait this out for a cure or for it to ease, I have been trying to stay active with the kids, go for walks when it’s nice, push-ups, sit-ups, walks. Anything to try and stay active and help with the anxiety and depression. I miss my friends and family. Mom wants us to come over for Easter, just the family but even that scares the heck out of me. You shouldn’t let your fears control you, I know that, but it’s always in the back of my mind these days.

Stay safe.

-A

Anxiety building....

There is this underlying buzzing fear and anxiety in every day life. This, soft humming in the back of your mind as you try and carry out your new normal. The normal where you barely leave your house, you eat at home more,  you go for walks but cross the street to the other side when someone else is walking by to maintain distance. It's there lingering in the shadows as you work from home and take up the role of teacher for your children because their lives too have had to adapt to a new way of life.

There are minute distractions. Small pieces of bliss plucked from the chaos that is our rapidly changing world. Walks in the fresh air. Working from home and being able to spend more time with your children because of it. A clean house because there is nothing else to do. Less traffic on the roads when you are able to get out. But then there is always the lingering reminders that there has been a great shift in the world. That it is not as safe as your brain is trying to convince you of.

Tape on the floor at the store, signs stating to stand 6 feet apart, glimpses of people wearing gloves and masks over their face, the wide eyed panic of everyone in the vicinity if someone coughs. Small glimpses of a bigger picture. And then you turn on the news, and the reality slams into your chest like a freight train. Your pocket of the world is lucky, your community has not been hit so hard by it...yet. But others, they are suffering. They are on the verge of collapse.

The images that are flashing across the screen of multiple graves being built, a story of a family losing three family members in the course of three days and being unable to have a funeral and mourn as we are used to. Refrigerator trucks lining up outside of hospitals to act as makeshift morgues because everything is getting overrun. Life is changing rapidly, and the realization that you are perhaps weeks away from the same fate is scary. Anxiety inducing panic swirls in your chest, and all you can do is watch in horror.

And then there are moments where you shut off the tv, put down your phone, and walk away from the outside world for a moment. And you try and take in the extra time with family, though you miss your other family members and friends.

Times right now are scary. Very scary. And everyone keeps saying to hold on to the hope that you are still employed, hang on to the extra time you get with family, count your blessings that everyone is healthy. But still, that fear is still very real in the pit of your stomach, in the back of your mind.

It is okay to be scared. It is okay to not always be positive and uplifting. You are okay to not be okay. Everything right now is not sunshine and fucking roses. The world is hurting now, and you have every right to process that, to feel it. But also do not dwell in it long, do not let it drag you down. Feel your emotions, process them, and then have faith that in time this will pass. Yes it may leave us living in a new world, but at least we will be living.

The start...

Well the world has gone to shit in a hand basket. Actually I guess that would depend on who you are asking. Some people say it is the end of times, others say that it is all a hoax that the government is using to keep us all locked in our houses. Currently there is a plague that is running a-muck throughout the entire world. Covid-19. Corona Virus. 'Rona. It's killing thousands. This god awful virus is tearing up people's lungs and putting them on breathing machines.

As a result we have all been told to practice "social distancing". What exactly does that mean? Welp, I no longer go into the office. I am completely work from home and have been for nearly two weeks. All restaurants are closed for dine in, you can only get take out or do drive through. Spas, salons, massage parlors, tattoo shops etc are all closed. Stores like Walmart have drastically reduced their hours. Walmarts nationwide are open from 8am-7pm now. Only 'essential' people are working. Which means that my husband is working outside of the home. School has been out for two weeks now, one week was for scheduled spring break, now they are out until at least 4/30/20. There are even rumors that they are going to close schools for the remainder of the year.

Life is...I don't even know how to describe it. It feels like there is nothing to look forward to. I am a social person, I always have been, and now I am stuck in the house except to go to the store maybe once a week, and to walk the neighborhood. My gym is closed, so there is no outlet for me time. It feels like the world is all waiting with this bated breath to see if everything is going to implode. Like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it very well may. This virus is dangerous, it is taking people out that are young, old, and in between.

I feel like my existence is literally to work, cook, clean, take care of children. There is nothing outside of this home right now. Only this bubbling anxiety that I am going to be stuck here forever in this limbo.

Goals and Plans

I have been sort of quiet since my last post. I have yet to see the doctor in regard to the last topic I wrote about, but I am starting to not be so surprised by this. I am told constantly that it's normal post partum bleeding. I have never in my life experienced this sort of issues with my period. There will be a follow up with a Hematologist, to make sure I am not a Hemophiliac since I am having bleeding episodes now. It'll be interesting to see the results.

So again I am trying to buckle down and lose weight. This was day two of tracking calories again, watching to make sure I hit my macros, and tomorrow will be a trip to the gym. This week should prove to be interesting considering that I have quite a bit on my plate. I want to try and get into the gym at least 3x this week, despite the fact that I am going out of town with my mom for a Women's Retreat with the bleeding disorder chapter. I am pretty excited for it. But I am going to be taking work out clothes with me so that I can get a work out in on Sat and Sun mornings. We are supposed to do Yoga on Sunday morning, but I really think I am going to need to work out beforehand as well.

I really am not sure how I feel about that fact that I am planning on leaving my baby for 2 nights! I don't like the idea, but I really do need the break. I feel like I have been burning the candle at both ends. Between the accident, promotion, ex being out of town, having Jaxon 24/7, it has been a whirlwind. So I need a bit of a slow down.

Oh! Back to the weight loss thing. I did weigh myself since last week and I am down 5 lbs. Now obviously 5 lbs isn't that big of a deal for some, especially since it was probably water weight, but I seriously will take what I can get. I really should be taking before pictures, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe this weekend I will. Just so I know where I am starting, and later on I can go "OMG look how far I have come".

I honestly think this is one of my most boring blogs every. Ha.

Night all!

A

Catharsis and Blood

There is nothing more humbling than having to go to the store at 11pm at night to get adult incontinence products because you are bleeding so much during your cycle that it's ruining underwear and bleeding through two overnight maxi pads. And I don't give a good hot damn if they have cute patterns on them and are "discrete". They don't feel discrete when you happen to look in the mirror and spot yourself, at 32, wearing an adult diaper.

I have been struggling hard lately. Emotionally I have been hit over and over again with one thing after another. Do not get me wrong, there have been some amazing ups, but there have been a hell of a lot of crazy downs lately. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to keep my head above water, but I always seem to. I have to. I have to be there for my family, and be that pillar. Because that's my job and my role in their lives. But I swear by all that is holy, sometimes I need my own life jacket. Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life that help me get through it all. I just need to not bottle it up like I usually do. I have been trying to let it out, and I have people that listen. But sometimes even that hasn't been enough.

Now I am struggling with this bleeding problem. I woke up to so much blood on Monday morning, 330 am, that it look like I had murdered someone. That is scary to see. Bright red blood everywhere. So bad that I jumped in the shower really quick to make sure I was able to get clean. Then I changed clothes, put on a new pad, and went to bed. By 6 am I was back up with a similar situation. And the bleeding was still bad. It was around 11 am that I started to feel dizzy, lightheaded, shaky, and just bad in general. I was shaking so bad at one point that my boss decided to call squad. By the time they arrived I was doing better, they told me that the hospital wouldn't do much for me, despite the blood loss. I also had spoken with my OBGYN's office and had been told to take this birth control pill and if after a week I was still bleeding like that, then I should come be seen. And that the only time I should go to the ER is if I am filling a pad an hour front to back, side to side, for four hours.

Of course I haven't been bleeding that much. Not enough to fill four pads. I am still bleeding through two pads after a few hours. It's never been like this before. I mean, I've had heavy flow days, but it's never been this bad. I was talking to my mom, and I think I am going to see a Hematologist. I think my factor levels need to be checked and I need to make sure I am not anemic now that I've been bleeding. I really wanted to go to the gym after work, but I was literally so tired that I had to sleep. I was in pain from cramps, Ibuprofen was not helping, so I laid down at 730 and passed out.

I really don't want this to run my life. I want to get it under control. I don't want to be so tired that I have to pass out before bed time. I want to go to the gym when I crave it. I need to figure this out, so that I can go back to a normal life.

I feel like the gym is going to become my catharsis. I have been able to feel quite a bit better after I go. A friend suggested to use it as a way to channel my anger, pain, and frustration. That's what I plan to do. I will put all of that energy into lifting and running/elliptical. Because that energy should not be in me. It should be released out into the world and dissipated. I will feel a thousand times better after. But, until I can go back to how I was, I will walk on my breaks weather permitting.

Also, this seemed to help. I need to start writing when I get to feeling crazy. I forget how much it seems to help.

Alright, back to bed now.

~A.

Pity Party: Table for one.

I had a few feelings that have been choking me lately. I can't seem to shake them. I know they are normal, but I am just struggling with them so hard. It feels impossible to voice them, put them into words that others can understand. Sometimes writing helps, so here we are. I honestly don't even know where to start.

I suppose my biggest issue right now is that I can't look myself in the mirror. Now that has never been something new for me. As a matter of fact, that has been a near constant in my life since I was a teen for one reason or another. This time it has to do with my weight. And I know a lot of people are going to say "Yeah but you are working on that." I know I am, but it really is a deeper issue. I hate the way I look now, and I have a sinking feeling that even if I lose the weight, even if I keep it off, I am going to hate how I look. Because there is going to be loose skin, and sagging. There already is that now, and yes, I am aware that I had a baby 2 months ago. And because of that I have more sagging in my breasts and extra skin. I didn't have that before. This sounds very pity party, and I suppose it is.

I just...I want to be able to look in the mirror and love what I see. But I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to even after I lose the weight. Even after I have surgery to remove any extra skin. I have moments where I am so proud of what my body has done, will do, and can do. They just seem so fleeting these days. I know it's a slump. I know I have to dig down and use this to spur me on. I will, I am just allowing myself a few moments to reflect on this and feel it. I will get up in a bit, put on clothes to go to the gym, and push myself as hard as my body will allow. That is the only way I am going to change this. My determination has to be bigger than my fear and my disgust.

As I told a friend today. I hate myself. I hate that I feel so badly about my body. I hate that I feel so disgusted in my own skin that I can't even look at myself. I hate that I feel like a flabby fat blob. The only way that is going to change is with choices. And praying that I will learn to love the new body that I am going to create.

I feel a bit better now. I feel like I can breathe again. Now we will put on some headphones and go kill the emotions at the gym with some soul stirring music, cardio, and weights. As much as my body can tolerate.