You know..one of those animals that gets on the wheel and just keeps going and going and going in circles. Ugh, I hate it. I really need to stand back and take a look at things. Because well..my eating habits suck. I think I may be out of the starving phase of my life, and into the binge eating, stuff your face til you explode, don't give a shit phase. Usually there is something that causes this. Now I just have to figure out what essentially is making me unhappy, and fix it. Because that is exactly what it is, unhappiness. When I feel like I am not in control of my life, I try and control what goes in my mouth.
Lately it's like food has become an addiction. Sometimes I don't want anything to do with it, and I get the thought in my head that I can hurt the people around me by starving myself. A thought process that I had to break when I was younger. That's not true ya idiot. All I do is hurt myself in the long run. I am also starting to get the obsessive thinking about working out. This morning I didn't get to work out because husband had shit to do. I sat at home and all I could think of was...when can I do? What if I don't go?! I will feel like a failure. God, it's starting all over again. I hate this fucking cycle!
Then there are the days where my mind gets it in it's processes that it is okay to be the size I am (which for some, it is but not someone that is warring like I am), and that I can eat whatever the hell I want. Which in turn pisses off the anorexic in me, which then starts the cycle over again.
You know what it is? I am stuck at home all day, I go to school all night..occasionally I go out. I need to get a job. I have been applying, and I hope I get the few that I have applied for. I think it will maybe calm down the two women that are apparently shoved inside of me. Ana and the Diva. I call the other one that Diva because when I get into that frame of mind, I feel fat, fierce, and fab. Which does not work well with Ana. Ana hates fat, fierce, fab.
On a side note...I have also been thinking..who am I?! Why am I so damn lost in my identity. Ugh. I don't know, I really don't.
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