Chaos Mixed in with the Mundane

    A lot has changed since the last time I posted. The world has exploded into chaos. Rightly so. The death of another black man has caused protests, riots, and uproar to engulf not only the US but other countries as well. It is overwhelming, especially being a mixed woman. Especially being best friends with a cop and his wife. But it is out of hand, and it's time to be handled. Racism is happening more brazenly lately. (Or perhaps it's just that now it's being recorded and put online for everyone to witness). It feels like everything is coming to a head. There is so much tension. It's going to build and build until it's released or something will explode. I hope that it's something that is fixed. Because it's scary and a very unstable environment. It is stifling and hard to live in. I find myself needing to walk away from social media more often. 

    I don't know. I don't know why I am writing this. I felt like I needed to get stuff off my chest or something but I just can't find the words. I want to be eloquent and a force to be reckoned with, a warrior for the cause. But it's scary. There are people being hung and it's being ruled as suicide, but it's suspect. I don't know what to think or say most days. 

    Things haven't really changed about being home. We are still here. Work isn't slating to have people return until 7/20. But they are bringing people back in waves, and it all really depends on what is going on after the holiday weekend of the Fourth. If there is a spike they may push it back even more. I have been getting out of the house to go to the gym now that it's back open. That was a feat for me. The anxiety alone was so much so that I drove to the gym one day and then didn't get out. I was to nervous about what may happen. My brain was racing with the thought of there being too many people. It has't been bad being back to be honest. Still more people than I am entirely comfortable with. But I needed the gym. It has helped with my anxiety. I have gone 3 times this week. I am going to try and go tomorrow if I can. If not, then Sunday for sure. 

    As I said, there isn't much to update on. Everyone here is healthy and doing okay mentally. Not good, not great. Just okay. I am going to wrap this up though because I should be getting in bed soon. Or trying to work on my book a bit, if I can find the motivation.

The Struggles..

I am mad at myself today. I know that being on a weight loss journey is supposed to be an emotional and physical journey. I get that. Sometimes I am so strong. I am so proud of myself. I am striding through this shit with my head high and kicking ass. I am putting in the work and feeling myself. But good lord, sometimes there are these lows that kick me right in the face and I just want to cry so bad.

Today was rough. So many up and downs. I wanted pancakes, so I ordered out for the kids and I. I ate a lot of food. So I told myself that I was going to eat a light lunch. Guess what, I didn't. We went for a 45 minute walk and I pushed the baby in a stroller (30 lbs up multiple hills is a lot). I was beat, and I was starving. So I had a large lunch. There were left overs and I just kept freaking eating. My brain told me that I was full, but of course I didn't listen. I just gorged myself. And then immediately I felt guilty. So the thought of purging crossed my mind. But then I told myself that there was no way in hell I was doing that. So I didn't. Instead I tracked the calories and had a lighter dinner and I was fine.

But God I hate that I walked down that path. I kind of knew that would happen though. I will never fully leave that side of my life. The thought of purging will always be there. I have been doing good. Staying active, seeing results. I have stayed off the stupid scale, but my measurements have been really good. I just need to slow down. I need to focus on what my body is being able to do now. I am getting stronger, I am getting better. It's an uphill battle, a marathon not a sprint. All that sappy feel good shit.

I need to focus on the fact that I took an hour long walk with my kids to enjoy the weather and some Pokemon Go with them. I was able to play soccer with them for awhile today. OK, yes I had issues with the bike today and the tires because I'm too heavy for the tire, but that is just one thing. A temporary thing. I will not let it drag me into the darkness of starvation and losing control of myself.

I got this. I know I do. I can do this, I will do this.

In other news. things with my husband have gotten a hell of a lot better and it feels like there is a little less stress in the house. Which I am happy for. The ups and downs were mostly downs lately. I think that has everything to do with being constantly locked in the house with each other. God I miss being out and about, but I will suck it up and get over it.

I feel like there are a million other things in my head right now that are flickering out of my mind so I can't write about them so I will just close this out. Not like anyone reads this thing anyways, heh.

-A

Life in the slow lane

Well it's been almost a month since I have posted anything, but at least I am posting right? I supposed I could say at least it hasn't been a year. Ha.

We are still sheltering in place here. Some restrictions have been lifted for certain things but my job still has us working from home until July. Maybe a bit longer depending on how numbers are doing. Currently we have almost almost 11,000 sick and 125 deaths. All things considered we have not lost a lot of people.

Things at home have been better than they were. I am not as stressed, probably because I started a work out challenge and it seems to be helping my mood. I am losing inches, but the stupid scale keeps going up. I'm about to toss the thing in the dumpster and call it a day. Aunt Flo is visiting, so that may be the actual issue, but I am so sick of seeing the number go up and not down. It really irritates my soul.

I am exhausted today for some reason, despite having gone to bed at 11:30 last night and sleeping until 8. I got a decent sleep score, but I think I must have tossed and turned most of the night. My brain kept thinking about Lasik and how I want to have it done, blah blah blah. So for some reason in my dream it was possibly to do the procedure over video. Which, is very freaking weird.

You know, I thought I had a whole slew of things to type about, and last night I probably did, but now my brain can't form coherent thoughts. Which is bad considering I have 20 minutes before I have to log into work. I really should have spent this time getting showered and dressed, but I will have to do it later. I do need to find some work out gear so that I have something to work out in today. I need some sort of walk/run/outdoor and then of course the challenge 50 situps, 50 burpees, 100 squats. I've been doing this less than two weeks and am seeing some amazing results. I am going to keep it up. It's a huge step in the right direction, and I'm pretty proud of myself.

Anyways, time to wrap this up, I have to go grab baby girl.

Small bits of happy...?

There have been little peeks of happiness here and there during this trying time. But sometimes it feels like it's more negative moments then happy. I am trying to be more positive, but it is pretty hard to be stuck in the house constantly. I don't even go to the store anymore. And there seems to be this uncertainty of when things will be able to get back to normal. Let's not even get started on the people that are protesting because they feel like their rights are being infringed upon. I get it. Being stuck in the house sucks, it's boring and overwhelming and fucks up people mentally. But right now a lot of people are dying from this virus.

There are brief glimpses of hope. They are working on studies to see if they can successfully save people, but they are still in the very beginning stages. There was one that has been tried on 7 people in Israel. They were all critical cases, this was actually considered a "last hope" treatment for them. All 7 of them survived. Some of them were even at the point of organ failure and that was able to be reversed. That is a huge leap forward. Let's hope that it works on this person that it is being tried on in the US in NJ.

I haven't really been updated this blog because there isn't must to report. I fluctuate between depression and being okay, but never really beyond that. There is just this helplessness that feels like it lingers at the back of my mind. I hate uncertainty. I hate not being able to make a plan. I try and keep busy, but the cold weather was making it so that I couldn't get out to walk. Yes I know there are other ways to work out, but the fresh air was motivating. It got me out of the house. It is starting to get nice again, so I am going to get back into the routine of going back outside.

I can't wait for the gyms to open back up so that I can actually go lift something heavy. That's a big craving of mine right now. I'll try and figure out a way to scratch that itch. I also want to get into martial arts. That has been a long term wish of mine and that is still on the back burner. We will see what I can mange once things get back to some semblance of normal. I would like to do Brazilian Ju Jitsu. But we will see what will work with the schedule once it happens.

I have a few other things that are in the wings, including trying to get my butt into school this fall. 1.5 years and I will have a Bachelors degree. That is not that long. It is obtainable. Then after that I will get my Masters. I am also working on advancing stuff for my career. I hope something will happen that will make me feel like I am advancing in the right direction. We will see how things pan out in the next few weeks.

Anyways, I am going to finish corralling everyone off to bed and then try and clean up the house a bit so that I feel less surrounded by chaos in the morning.

~A

I can't sleep...

I can't sleep again. I seem to be settling into a routine of getting up early in the morning to get ready, working, taking care of the kids, dinner, cleaning, kids ready for bed, stay up and watch video upon video of what is going on in the world.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I don't know if it is because of the waffling between fear and the "It will be ok" attitude that I have. There is so much misinformation going around and it's starting to get hard to figure out who you should trust. There is such little knowledge of this virus. There are also people every day that keep asking when we can go back to normal.

I think it's normal to want to return to some semblance of life as we used to know it. I think it's normal to want to get out of this heavy haze of anxiety that we live in on a daily basis. Today I took my children out to play outside and my daughter kept touching things, and all I could think was "My God, what if she touches something that has it." Mind you she was touching our patio furniture and nothing else really. But it put this anxiety in my chest and I had to go inside. I had to take my child into the house and sanitize her and myself.

I get it, this is a nasty virus. It is killing dozens. But this constant state of fear that we are living in is also bad. It's mind-numbing and hard to focus on. So you drown yourself in a Netflix show or eating another snack so that you don't think about the reality that is outside. At least the lucky few that get to stay in and work from home. I could not imagine the anxiety and fear that the people that are considered essential go through every single day.

I see videos of healthcare professionals pleading and highlighting their daily struggles. I hear tidbits here and there of what is going on. Mass graves being discussed for New York. Refrigerator trucks to act as temporary morgues. Nurses quitting their jobs because they can not bring themselves to work in a hospital, in a unit, with no protective gear what so ever. This is their new normal. And they are working their asses off every day, putting their lives in danger.

There is so much in this world right now that is scary. So much chaos and death. That is probably exactly why I can't sleep.

Settling into the Chaos

I’m exhausted, but I’m finding it hard to sleep. I keep reading the news and browsing Facebook. And I’m hit with the reality of what is going on in this world. I cycle between scared and feeling okay. It hasn’t hit our city as hard as it has other places, but it keeps building every day. The US is at over 300k cases, and there have been close to 9k deaths I believe. In some countries they are taking people over 65 off of ventilators, sedating them, and letting them pass away so that young people can be given the ventilators instead. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t know how those on the front lines, the doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers, are holding it together.

I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s going to take someone I love. That the world is going to fall into utter chaos and we won’t be able to regain our humanity. It’s been such a struggle these last few weeks, because of being isolated, the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty of what is going on. My son having to leave to spend time with his father. My husband going to work every night. The possible risk of exposure that he could bring into this house. There is also the mountains of information that you have to sort through and find out if it is fact or fiction. It is a scary time to be alive.

You have to wonder, how will this change the world? How long will this last? Will we survive? I I’ll someone I know die? Will someone I love die?

I just want this to go away. It feels like a terrible dream that we can’t wake up from.

There are rumors the postal service will shut down soon. Almost every state in the US except four have shelter in place orders. There are 4 hold out states and mine is one of them.

In the meantime, while we wait this out for a cure or for it to ease, I have been trying to stay active with the kids, go for walks when it’s nice, push-ups, sit-ups, walks. Anything to try and stay active and help with the anxiety and depression. I miss my friends and family. Mom wants us to come over for Easter, just the family but even that scares the heck out of me. You shouldn’t let your fears control you, I know that, but it’s always in the back of my mind these days.

Stay safe.

-A

Anxiety building....

There is this underlying buzzing fear and anxiety in every day life. This, soft humming in the back of your mind as you try and carry out your new normal. The normal where you barely leave your house, you eat at home more,  you go for walks but cross the street to the other side when someone else is walking by to maintain distance. It's there lingering in the shadows as you work from home and take up the role of teacher for your children because their lives too have had to adapt to a new way of life.

There are minute distractions. Small pieces of bliss plucked from the chaos that is our rapidly changing world. Walks in the fresh air. Working from home and being able to spend more time with your children because of it. A clean house because there is nothing else to do. Less traffic on the roads when you are able to get out. But then there is always the lingering reminders that there has been a great shift in the world. That it is not as safe as your brain is trying to convince you of.

Tape on the floor at the store, signs stating to stand 6 feet apart, glimpses of people wearing gloves and masks over their face, the wide eyed panic of everyone in the vicinity if someone coughs. Small glimpses of a bigger picture. And then you turn on the news, and the reality slams into your chest like a freight train. Your pocket of the world is lucky, your community has not been hit so hard by it...yet. But others, they are suffering. They are on the verge of collapse.

The images that are flashing across the screen of multiple graves being built, a story of a family losing three family members in the course of three days and being unable to have a funeral and mourn as we are used to. Refrigerator trucks lining up outside of hospitals to act as makeshift morgues because everything is getting overrun. Life is changing rapidly, and the realization that you are perhaps weeks away from the same fate is scary. Anxiety inducing panic swirls in your chest, and all you can do is watch in horror.

And then there are moments where you shut off the tv, put down your phone, and walk away from the outside world for a moment. And you try and take in the extra time with family, though you miss your other family members and friends.

Times right now are scary. Very scary. And everyone keeps saying to hold on to the hope that you are still employed, hang on to the extra time you get with family, count your blessings that everyone is healthy. But still, that fear is still very real in the pit of your stomach, in the back of your mind.

It is okay to be scared. It is okay to not always be positive and uplifting. You are okay to not be okay. Everything right now is not sunshine and fucking roses. The world is hurting now, and you have every right to process that, to feel it. But also do not dwell in it long, do not let it drag you down. Feel your emotions, process them, and then have faith that in time this will pass. Yes it may leave us living in a new world, but at least we will be living.