I have been sort of quiet since my last post. I have yet to see the doctor in regard to the last topic I wrote about, but I am starting to not be so surprised by this. I am told constantly that it's normal post partum bleeding. I have never in my life experienced this sort of issues with my period. There will be a follow up with a Hematologist, to make sure I am not a Hemophiliac since I am having bleeding episodes now. It'll be interesting to see the results.
So again I am trying to buckle down and lose weight. This was day two of tracking calories again, watching to make sure I hit my macros, and tomorrow will be a trip to the gym. This week should prove to be interesting considering that I have quite a bit on my plate. I want to try and get into the gym at least 3x this week, despite the fact that I am going out of town with my mom for a Women's Retreat with the bleeding disorder chapter. I am pretty excited for it. But I am going to be taking work out clothes with me so that I can get a work out in on Sat and Sun mornings. We are supposed to do Yoga on Sunday morning, but I really think I am going to need to work out beforehand as well.
I really am not sure how I feel about that fact that I am planning on leaving my baby for 2 nights! I don't like the idea, but I really do need the break. I feel like I have been burning the candle at both ends. Between the accident, promotion, ex being out of town, having Jaxon 24/7, it has been a whirlwind. So I need a bit of a slow down.
Oh! Back to the weight loss thing. I did weigh myself since last week and I am down 5 lbs. Now obviously 5 lbs isn't that big of a deal for some, especially since it was probably water weight, but I seriously will take what I can get. I really should be taking before pictures, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe this weekend I will. Just so I know where I am starting, and later on I can go "OMG look how far I have come".
I honestly think this is one of my most boring blogs every. Ha.
Night all!
A
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Catharsis and Blood
There is nothing more humbling than having to go to the store at 11pm at night to get adult incontinence products because you are bleeding so much during your cycle that it's ruining underwear and bleeding through two overnight maxi pads. And I don't give a good hot damn if they have cute patterns on them and are "discrete". They don't feel discrete when you happen to look in the mirror and spot yourself, at 32, wearing an adult diaper.
I have been struggling hard lately. Emotionally I have been hit over and over again with one thing after another. Do not get me wrong, there have been some amazing ups, but there have been a hell of a lot of crazy downs lately. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to keep my head above water, but I always seem to. I have to. I have to be there for my family, and be that pillar. Because that's my job and my role in their lives. But I swear by all that is holy, sometimes I need my own life jacket. Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life that help me get through it all. I just need to not bottle it up like I usually do. I have been trying to let it out, and I have people that listen. But sometimes even that hasn't been enough.
Now I am struggling with this bleeding problem. I woke up to so much blood on Monday morning, 330 am, that it look like I had murdered someone. That is scary to see. Bright red blood everywhere. So bad that I jumped in the shower really quick to make sure I was able to get clean. Then I changed clothes, put on a new pad, and went to bed. By 6 am I was back up with a similar situation. And the bleeding was still bad. It was around 11 am that I started to feel dizzy, lightheaded, shaky, and just bad in general. I was shaking so bad at one point that my boss decided to call squad. By the time they arrived I was doing better, they told me that the hospital wouldn't do much for me, despite the blood loss. I also had spoken with my OBGYN's office and had been told to take this birth control pill and if after a week I was still bleeding like that, then I should come be seen. And that the only time I should go to the ER is if I am filling a pad an hour front to back, side to side, for four hours.
Of course I haven't been bleeding that much. Not enough to fill four pads. I am still bleeding through two pads after a few hours. It's never been like this before. I mean, I've had heavy flow days, but it's never been this bad. I was talking to my mom, and I think I am going to see a Hematologist. I think my factor levels need to be checked and I need to make sure I am not anemic now that I've been bleeding. I really wanted to go to the gym after work, but I was literally so tired that I had to sleep. I was in pain from cramps, Ibuprofen was not helping, so I laid down at 730 and passed out.
I really don't want this to run my life. I want to get it under control. I don't want to be so tired that I have to pass out before bed time. I want to go to the gym when I crave it. I need to figure this out, so that I can go back to a normal life.
I feel like the gym is going to become my catharsis. I have been able to feel quite a bit better after I go. A friend suggested to use it as a way to channel my anger, pain, and frustration. That's what I plan to do. I will put all of that energy into lifting and running/elliptical. Because that energy should not be in me. It should be released out into the world and dissipated. I will feel a thousand times better after. But, until I can go back to how I was, I will walk on my breaks weather permitting.
Also, this seemed to help. I need to start writing when I get to feeling crazy. I forget how much it seems to help.
Alright, back to bed now.
~A.
I have been struggling hard lately. Emotionally I have been hit over and over again with one thing after another. Do not get me wrong, there have been some amazing ups, but there have been a hell of a lot of crazy downs lately. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to keep my head above water, but I always seem to. I have to. I have to be there for my family, and be that pillar. Because that's my job and my role in their lives. But I swear by all that is holy, sometimes I need my own life jacket. Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life that help me get through it all. I just need to not bottle it up like I usually do. I have been trying to let it out, and I have people that listen. But sometimes even that hasn't been enough.
Now I am struggling with this bleeding problem. I woke up to so much blood on Monday morning, 330 am, that it look like I had murdered someone. That is scary to see. Bright red blood everywhere. So bad that I jumped in the shower really quick to make sure I was able to get clean. Then I changed clothes, put on a new pad, and went to bed. By 6 am I was back up with a similar situation. And the bleeding was still bad. It was around 11 am that I started to feel dizzy, lightheaded, shaky, and just bad in general. I was shaking so bad at one point that my boss decided to call squad. By the time they arrived I was doing better, they told me that the hospital wouldn't do much for me, despite the blood loss. I also had spoken with my OBGYN's office and had been told to take this birth control pill and if after a week I was still bleeding like that, then I should come be seen. And that the only time I should go to the ER is if I am filling a pad an hour front to back, side to side, for four hours.
Of course I haven't been bleeding that much. Not enough to fill four pads. I am still bleeding through two pads after a few hours. It's never been like this before. I mean, I've had heavy flow days, but it's never been this bad. I was talking to my mom, and I think I am going to see a Hematologist. I think my factor levels need to be checked and I need to make sure I am not anemic now that I've been bleeding. I really wanted to go to the gym after work, but I was literally so tired that I had to sleep. I was in pain from cramps, Ibuprofen was not helping, so I laid down at 730 and passed out.
I really don't want this to run my life. I want to get it under control. I don't want to be so tired that I have to pass out before bed time. I want to go to the gym when I crave it. I need to figure this out, so that I can go back to a normal life.
I feel like the gym is going to become my catharsis. I have been able to feel quite a bit better after I go. A friend suggested to use it as a way to channel my anger, pain, and frustration. That's what I plan to do. I will put all of that energy into lifting and running/elliptical. Because that energy should not be in me. It should be released out into the world and dissipated. I will feel a thousand times better after. But, until I can go back to how I was, I will walk on my breaks weather permitting.
Also, this seemed to help. I need to start writing when I get to feeling crazy. I forget how much it seems to help.
Alright, back to bed now.
~A.
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Pity Party: Table for one.
I had a few feelings that have been choking me lately. I can't seem to shake them. I know they are normal, but I am just struggling with them so hard. It feels impossible to voice them, put them into words that others can understand. Sometimes writing helps, so here we are. I honestly don't even know where to start.
I suppose my biggest issue right now is that I can't look myself in the mirror. Now that has never been something new for me. As a matter of fact, that has been a near constant in my life since I was a teen for one reason or another. This time it has to do with my weight. And I know a lot of people are going to say "Yeah but you are working on that." I know I am, but it really is a deeper issue. I hate the way I look now, and I have a sinking feeling that even if I lose the weight, even if I keep it off, I am going to hate how I look. Because there is going to be loose skin, and sagging. There already is that now, and yes, I am aware that I had a baby 2 months ago. And because of that I have more sagging in my breasts and extra skin. I didn't have that before. This sounds very pity party, and I suppose it is.
I just...I want to be able to look in the mirror and love what I see. But I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to even after I lose the weight. Even after I have surgery to remove any extra skin. I have moments where I am so proud of what my body has done, will do, and can do. They just seem so fleeting these days. I know it's a slump. I know I have to dig down and use this to spur me on. I will, I am just allowing myself a few moments to reflect on this and feel it. I will get up in a bit, put on clothes to go to the gym, and push myself as hard as my body will allow. That is the only way I am going to change this. My determination has to be bigger than my fear and my disgust.
As I told a friend today. I hate myself. I hate that I feel so badly about my body. I hate that I feel so disgusted in my own skin that I can't even look at myself. I hate that I feel like a flabby fat blob. The only way that is going to change is with choices. And praying that I will learn to love the new body that I am going to create.
I feel a bit better now. I feel like I can breathe again. Now we will put on some headphones and go kill the emotions at the gym with some soul stirring music, cardio, and weights. As much as my body can tolerate.
I suppose my biggest issue right now is that I can't look myself in the mirror. Now that has never been something new for me. As a matter of fact, that has been a near constant in my life since I was a teen for one reason or another. This time it has to do with my weight. And I know a lot of people are going to say "Yeah but you are working on that." I know I am, but it really is a deeper issue. I hate the way I look now, and I have a sinking feeling that even if I lose the weight, even if I keep it off, I am going to hate how I look. Because there is going to be loose skin, and sagging. There already is that now, and yes, I am aware that I had a baby 2 months ago. And because of that I have more sagging in my breasts and extra skin. I didn't have that before. This sounds very pity party, and I suppose it is.
I just...I want to be able to look in the mirror and love what I see. But I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to even after I lose the weight. Even after I have surgery to remove any extra skin. I have moments where I am so proud of what my body has done, will do, and can do. They just seem so fleeting these days. I know it's a slump. I know I have to dig down and use this to spur me on. I will, I am just allowing myself a few moments to reflect on this and feel it. I will get up in a bit, put on clothes to go to the gym, and push myself as hard as my body will allow. That is the only way I am going to change this. My determination has to be bigger than my fear and my disgust.
As I told a friend today. I hate myself. I hate that I feel so badly about my body. I hate that I feel so disgusted in my own skin that I can't even look at myself. I hate that I feel like a flabby fat blob. The only way that is going to change is with choices. And praying that I will learn to love the new body that I am going to create.
I feel a bit better now. I feel like I can breathe again. Now we will put on some headphones and go kill the emotions at the gym with some soul stirring music, cardio, and weights. As much as my body can tolerate.
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